About the time I think that I’ve covered all the bases when it comes to affairs, I’m reminded that some readers need a review of the basics. One of those basics in dealing with affairs is the subject of ‘letters’.
Someone recently wanted me to address the topic of ‘a letter to my husband after he cheated‘. Her request reminded me that that I needed to touch on this area.
Letters offer you the convenience of sharing your thoughts and emotions without interruption. Letters give you a way of telling your spouse what’s on your mind and heart.
When you take out the risk of interruption, the letter ceases being communication. It becomes a pulpit used for delivering them a piece of your mind. It gets your point across, but that’s no guarantee it’s understood or taken to heart.
Letters are useful for gathering your thoughts. They give you a way of connecting with your emotions. Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, using letters ceases being helpful when dealing with affairs.
I’ve seen more damage done by letters than by face-to-face conversations. For this reason I discourage using them as a way of communicating something to your spouse during affair recovery.
In my resources on communication and affair recovery, I go into deeper explanations about the danger of letters and my preference for face-to-face or phone communication.
When you use face-to-face or phone communication, it allows for spontaneity, connection and healing. This is a drastic contrast to letters which come across as cold and impersonal. They also inflict hurt each time it’s read.
Instead of saying your peace and moving on, the letter is reopens a wound each time it’s read. This is one of the reasons “Dear John” letters were so damaging.
You may think that adding a few things to soften what you’re saying will remedy that. Those statements make the letter look good to you. Most of the time letters are misinterpreted and read the wrong way.
If it can be misinterpreted, it will be.
It’s rare that letters are received and read in the way you intended. Rest assured that if it can be taken another way, it will be.
E-mail is even worse than letters. E-mails are notorious for being misread. The only thing worse than E-mails are text messages. You may like how they allow you to express yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you are being understood.
E-mails and text messages come across as noisy chatter, which is typically ignored or dismissed. If that’s your choice of communication channel for dealing with affair recovery, you need help.
If you’re serious about communication, consider purchasing the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“. It provides you instructions on ways of turning your communication around in such a way that you get listened to rather than ignored.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
