The first few months, if not the first year is a time of difficult transitions. After receiving news that your spouse cheated, it rocks your world (in a bad way).
Some people recover from the shock sooner than others. The shock of an affair, like any other shock or traumatizing event often leaves you feeling bewildered and stunned.
While you’re in such a state, the normal drives such as appetite and sex diminish if not totally shut down. When in a trauma-like state there may also be a sense of confusion.
That confused state makes decision making and processing information challenging. You could find yourself unable to complete tasks that you were once proficient at.
Your mind attempts ‘re-orienting’ to the new reality that was thrown upon you. During the re-orientation, there may be confusion, short attention span, and emotional shut down.
When you’re in a state of emotional shut down, you may find any emotionally stimulating state taxing. During these times you may find yourself avoiding both good and bad situations.
You’re wanting to restore a sense of calm and order which often means to withdraw back into your shell until you can re-establish a sense of calm. You may find yourself avoiding anything that ‘makes waves’ since changes, even in terms of ‘making waves’ is unpleasant.
The tendency to withdraw from friends, family, etc. is part of the natural healing process. Problems arise when you withdraw and stay there for an extended period of time.
You need time to rest and regroup. The more traumatic the blow, the more time you will need. It’s hard for those around you to see you go through this phase.
They will try to ‘cheer you up’ when you need to rest. That may put you and them at cross purposes. They may expect you to ‘bounce back’ quickly. They often don’t understand that healing takes time. The deeper the wounding, the more time it takes.
During this time, when so many drives and functions go into ‘low gear’, your may find your level of activity also decreases. You may not be able to ‘blow and go’ like you did before the affair. Others may expect you to. They often have a hard time when you ‘pull back’.
During this time, your body also experiences the wear and tear of stress hormones being released. These hormone chemicals change the functioning of every major organ system.
As part of the changes, how your body functions is altered. Although the changes should be temporary, some of you get stuck in ‘stress’ and are unable to calm yourself down without help.
These changes impact your breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, sleep, digestion and your metabolism. These changes are not imagined. They are very real and are triggered by chemical reactions inside your body.
This will give a start in understanding what’s going on with you and may help others understand it as well.
If you are one of those who gets stuck or unable to move ahead, I invite you to consider the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma”. In it, you’ll discover more about what is happening inside you along with why you can’t just ‘shake it off’.
Best Regards,
Jeff
