In working with couples working through the pain of an affair, there are many obstacles to overcome. One of the stumbling blocks that often keeps the pain alive and strong is “making provision for affairs”. Although the couple wanting to overcome an affair have the adulterous party cut off the relationship, the resolute spouse finds themselves still hurting and wanting to know ‘why?’ Since the affair relationship is over, they should be over the pain, right?
Although the affair is over, there are often reminders of the affair or affair behavior that surround both spouses and fill their home. When a person is serious about overcoming the affair, they will need to purge their home of the playthings associated with the affair. This may involve changing the ringtone of their phone to one not used during the illicit relationship, removing pictures, removing souveniers and keepsakes, changing perfume or aftershave, changing music and even rearragning the furniture of the home. Any item or area that was associated with the affair or that time period may need to be modified. Oftentimes, couples assume that on ending the affair, the pain will cease. I wish it was that easy. The reminders of the affair will need to be changed as well. Although we may not conciously choose to think about the affair, when there are reminders of the relationship, those reminders often work on the sub-concious and unconcious mind to remind one of the affair. The reminder may impact the adulterous spouse or the resolute spouse.
Besides ending the affair and removing the reminders, it will be important to avoid shows, movies and music associated with affairs. (If you are into gaming, with such games as Leisure Suit Larry, you may need to avoid that as well). Anything that can be a trigger to bring about the associations with an affair will need to be removed.
So in overcoming the affair, it is important to remove reminders and make no provision for affair related material.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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