It often grieves me when couples come seeking counsel in dealing with an affair with the attitude of one upmanship. Each spouse shares their view of events and if they are mature, it will be without interruption.
After sharing their views, they either directly or indirectly pose the question “Who’s right?“. When couples do this, they are behaving more like fighters who each go to their perspective corner and want to decide matters by combat.
The questions that would help in this situation are “What do we need to do next?” or “How can we move past this?”. Instead of focusing on how to move past the affair, they insist on looking for who to blame for the affair.
When looking for who to blame, they each look at events through their own version of “Justice”. They position themselves as being the one who is right and just, while the other spouse is blamed for their wrong choices.
The modern trend is for people to do what makes them ‘feel good’ without regard to morals. The reality is that you need morals.
You need an objective standard to assess your decisions by. When you rely only on yourself, you will distort and twist event to fit your thinking.
Morals keep you honest. They also keep you humble. Since many of you want to avoid blame and responsibility, you do not know how to move past bad choices and accepting the blame for bad choices.
The choices and their consequences can be resolved. When you’re only interested in blaming rather than learning how to move on in your marriage, heal the wounds and overcome the handicaps.
In real life, there are handicaps, wounds and weaknesses. These are the realities that you have to deal with.
Even if you establish the blame and it’s owned, then you’re faced with the question ‘What are you going to do about it?‘. The cheater cheated, what are you going to do about it?
You may have held a grudge or withdrew from your spouse, what are you going to do about it? The two of you have not been available for each other, what are you going to do about it. The list goes on and I think that you get the message. (“What are you going to do about it?“)
When you’re ready to work on recovery from the affair rather than who’s to blame consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
Today was our 33rd wedding anniversary …My daughters and I were planning to surprise my husband with a nice dinner….I had shopped as usual for a meaningful small gift and card. Difficult as I am sure it is for him to celebrate our marriage I thought that since he did SO much damage that he would make some effort to honor the faithfulness he has enjoyed in my part of our marriage.
Late in the afternoon he sent me a message which informed me that he was planning to be ‘out of town’ since he desired a separate life he did not think it was ‘right’ for him to be at home tonight!
This not only hurt me deeply …not unlike the shock of the first DDay . We had been gone for a week to my son’s wedding …which he flew in for and then flew home because he needed to ‘work’ …which is actually a need but doubtful that much got done …on the weekend! I was designated to drive the lengthy and difficult trip with our daughters.
When I asked him what was going on with him he said that he felt so depressed that while we were gone he slept when not at work …he said that the only relief he gets from his feeling so badly about what he has done to us when he sleeps and even then he does not stay asleep.
He said that he never ever wanted to hurt anyone his whole life ….He said he never imagined the damage he had done …now he cannot escape his deep sorrow….
You and I know from the Word why this is …conviction ….SHOULD lead to seeking repentance and a real examination of the way one has brought so much destruction upon himself and others and a search to CHANGE and seek help from the LORD to make those choices.
Instead he is continuing to withdraw from me and our family and has gone to the length of making MORE hurtful choices and selfish decisions.
He seems to feel that letting me know a day before our anniversary …just after we got home from our trip was the ‘right’ thing to do ..as if providing me prior information as to HIS independent decision makes it
‘good’ and ‘ok’!
I think he is simply deceived at the least of it …to say in one breath that he never wanted to hurt anybody and then choose to do what hurts ALL of us deeply ..and go on ahead despite our having let him know this …shows he is a LIAR and serves the Father of Lies.
He wants to make his choices ‘good’ despite the fact that it violates morality and God’s word.
It is the same thing as thinking that if someone agrees to sin with you that it is not sin!
The damage he continues to inflict is simply do hurtful not just to ME but to our daughters.
He posed so well as a good dad at my son’s wedding …the good old boy interactions ..the nice toast so eloquent….but here we all are alone and without ANY idea where he is …who he is with or when we will hear anything from him
He SAID he will be alone …and that he does not know where is is going to go. He has also no plan to communicate with us so that we do not worry about him.
Telling your wife and children not to worry about you when you play this game is so cruel. People who love you care about you . He says we ‘shouldn’t care ‘ about him and when he dies that he does not want his kids to even think of him!
HOW blind and selfish does a person have to be?! His random lack of concern for how his action hurt all of us is in contrast to his SAYING he is deeply sorry for what he has DONE ..but apparently he has no intention or plan to do what would make the future any better.
He says he is ‘dead’ inside …and that he ‘cannot ‘ do anything about the pain he causes …that he just wants to ‘disappear ..”
All concerning …but he functions well enough as long as he is not at home.
We are all deeply wounded but continue to seek our comfort in the Word of GOD …I know that GOD is my strength and my provider BUT it is truth that if a HUSBAND and FATHER did not have a HUGE impact upon his family and had the responsibility to be the love with skin for his family then GOD would not have commanded Husband’s and Father’s about the jurisdiction that THEY have taken upon themselves at the time they requested by their marriage vows to take upon themselves the care of a WIFE ….as ALL women BELONG to GOD …so it is that when a man ‘takes a wife’ he is taking upon himself the responsibility for his wife and children’s needs to be loved, cared for , provided for , and protected.
My husband’s ego and pride provided financially for us well enough..His sin caused him to make some very foolish expenditures to his own hurt and our family’s losses. His spending his energy and love abroad and withdrawing it from me and our family has rendered him even MORE selfish in the face of his being exposed.
“Sorry’ is heard but self is still number one . He cannot even really ‘care for ‘ himself due to his rejection of the way GOD would enable him to receive the forgiveness offered by GOD and all of us.
This seems to be a HUGE display of what it looks like that the Bible speaks of as ‘sorrow unto death’ …no seeking repentance…just more effort to avoid the things needed within himself and toward those he has harmed.
This is one heck of an ‘education ‘ in what the Bible means about these things…so SAD tonight as I wonder where my husband IS …where he is staying …and …maybe …WHO he is with.
This is hell….but I would rather deal with it as GOD tells me to and go through a form of ‘hell ‘ now than to go there for eternity …by acting out of my flesh….come too far in my walk to do that ….My husband does not really care for how he effects his family …his children…I pray my son and his new bride will see this destruction and seek all wisdom and knowledge to learn how to avoid it …they so far have good reason to .
Do you know that heartbreak is a REAL thing…my chest hurts …it is not my physical heart …I had that checked out because of the pain I was feeling …it is the pain of the emotional tax from this kind of treatment…as I try to enlist the Lord to help me act upon HIS Word despite my heartache.
Just when I was beginning to think it was getting better……It just goes to confirm what the Bible tells us about the way the Devil works in those who will not refuse him access! I am thinking that the target is the children ….as the devil lures the head of the household into such deep sin …it hurts the mom …but it really makes the children of the household ‘without a head’ …and thus accessible …the influences of the world were supposed to be the father’s responsibility to teach , train and protect his children by way of example of how to avoid sin and the various snares…..lacking this …children of the world are becoming more and more open to the various wicked influences of our world….sadly
My kids have knowledge of the Word ….I pray they will maintain their own relationship having seen the wreckage that ignoring God’s command to stay in fellowship with Him daily ..by way of His Word and apply it
My husband ONCE did know this …but he allowed himself to go without nurture …he left his responsibilities to GOD and then dropped off those to me ….what next …sadly!!!! Reading the Bible does not give a great picture of those who continue to reject what could save them …not only eternally but NOW.
Amen. There is little I can add to what you shared. Your comment that heartache is real is accurate. Some people have experienced health issues related to broken-heartedness.
Thank you Jeff ….I am sorry I have to report such sorrowful continuing situation. Sometimes the pain is so severe ..even with my relationship with Jesus Christ …it is in this realm that such things challenge our hearts .
Nothing wrong with emotions …God gave us a protected venue to experience so many emotions within marriage ….the heartache that comes with a violation of the covenant of marriage is really something we do not appreciate fully …and hopefully NEVER …but when it occurs in ones own marriage it is hard to contain sometimes. No one to really vent …I took this opportunity to express this pain here …I hope it does not harm anyone else really …I just feel such deep wounds with nothing really to do with them. I pray .I exhort. I study and I worship….still if all of this were sufficient for us then God would not have said ‘ It is not good for a man to be alone’ ….
Once married and dependent and interdependent upon one’s spouse for companionship, affection and for them to RECEIVE as we give …then it is very difficult to experience and express the same kind of expression in any other relationship. Volunteering , serving , giving are all good things for us to do as we are inspired from God’s word and spirit to do….but not at the expense of the way our spouse has their needs unfulfilled.
My husband did come home in the early afternoon ….he spent the night at the coast …I trust he was trying to work out some difficult things from all of this and even present things that are basically consequences of his infidelity but as usual he has turned from me and God and any other help . He is very proud, independent and not interested in any kind of input for all kinds of things in his life that he will not inform me of …so I get to wonder, and it causes stress and anxiety …which I cast upon the Lord but honestly it is so difficult to be out of the loop.
When he and his adulteress decided to have their first child they set up her as a ‘consultant’ . He was then able to pay her and keep on ‘consulting’ with her . As he said he DID continue to consult with her as she had been first his adulteress …then hired to work with him as a business partner ..so she was ‘in the loop’ in so many aspects of his life that he kept from me …even before he met her.
This full exposure of his inner life is devastating for me to endure knowing that he was willing to risk EVERYTHING for this woman that he says he NEVER wanted to marry and would not because she was not the ‘whole package’!
This kind of dismissal of my feelings and our daughters continues even as I reminded him that just the other day he lamented over the mess he made and that he never had ever wanted to hurt anyone in his life…it is as if he was perplexed at his capacity to have done so much damage in the past THEN he goes out the next day to disappear without any more information as to where he was or if he was safe.
I think this is something becoming rather typical of people raised to be selfish and without thinking they are accountable to anyone for what they do. It is a PLAGUE in our country even now.
He watches the news and is appalled at the way politicians are deceitful, not transparent and are arrogantly dismissive about being accountable but he himself is just the same!
My daughters observe this …I asked my oldest how her own experience with him as changed….she said that the sad thing is that his duplicity is not surprising anymore….He continues to believe he has a ‘right’ to a ‘separate ‘ life ….which is what apparently led to his giving the explanation to the question of HOW did you DO this …to live a secret life…HE chalked it up to his being able to ‘compartmentalize”!
I rue the day President Clinton made ‘compartmentalization’ a common word in our culture …at least he made it more prominent in the papers….So it became a ‘goal’ perhaps in the minds of men who imagined themselves some kind of ‘power brokers’ or the ‘bad boy’ glamorized.
God called us to oneness as HE and Christ are ONE …as I recall …a ‘double minded man is unstable in all his ways ‘ …so scripture does address this …and it is NEVER considered a GOOD THING!
Sigh…I am so tired …but I am looking forward to Church tomorrow….it is a joy to have found a pastor who teaches through the scriptures book by book …one who is knowledgeable of many of the false things I have had some experience to study and discover as false….And to find a congregation that is hungry for the WORD and not just a ‘country club’ …sorry …I have moved around the country and visited many churches to observe and give …if possible anything …and found some which are investing in many things other than the Word of GOD ….
Anyway …I thank you for the venue….I still hope that whatever I share may be of use to someone who is going through this …Marriage is GOD’S ‘baby’ and HE is very invested in keeping it according to His will….I hope in HIM and desire to become more and more what blessed Him …corrections are welcome in my walk …and I think that has been the way I have understood my task as I wanted to walk after Him….
I pray that my husband will turn from serving his fleshly ways …and seek the help and power that GOD will provide if he will seek repentance….Thank you for your continued offerings that are informative and encouraging …and thanks to your wife for her continued support as you do so!
Hugs
Zaza,
I appreciate you sharing. It brings to recollection the Biblical passage, “..we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, bu the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” (II Cor. 1: 4). That means that we often find ourselves going through tough situations so that we can comfort others. No pain is ever wasted, even though we may wonder “WHY!” during the time that we are enduring it. Although what is going on is not what you wanted or what God intended, rest assured that God has a way of turning into something that comforts others.
When I faced the devastation of an affair in my family, I wondered “Why?”. We were a good family and I often pondered what good would ever come of what happened. I just did not see it at the time.
You and your wife are true ‘heroes’ of the faith….since truly this is one of the purposes we can acknowledge for our having ‘shared’ in Christ’s experiences of rejection and suffering the infidelity of his
beloved …but always remaining faithful to the bride he came to redeem!
Thank you for your caring sharing !
Thank You!
Thanks for posing this question, Jeff.  IMO it  is one of the steps a person must embrace  if they truly want to heal.  “What are you going to do about it” is a self-empowering question.  Deciding who I now choose to be as a result of having experienced infidelity first-hand has been vital for my recovery and also my peace of mind.
I came to realize that continuing to blame another person was actually disempowering. Â It kept me stuck in ‘feeling’ the pain instead of going ‘through’ it. Â Also, by placing my focus on ‘them’ I was able to keep the focus off of me, and although that might have been necessary in the weeks and months after discovery, it turned out not to be very beneficial for my well-being in the long run. Â I had to decide whether I was going to nurture the fear and anxiety inside me or whether I would nurture the love that was inside me. Â It seems so simple now, but fear can be a real motivator when you’re insisting on going it alone.
I agree with your statement that we distort and twist events to suit our line of thinking. Â That’s what people who have affairs do to justify their actions. Â It’s what many betrayed spouses do also. That’s not healthy either. Â I believe it takes far more courage to be brutally honest with yourself, to question your thoughts, and to then make a conscious decision as to the kind of person you want to be rather than succumb to your raw emotions. Â It wasn’t until I finally quit resisting and quit trying to force things to happen that peace came back into my life. Â I look back on that time and can’t help but wonder why I struggled so hard to do it my way instead of placing my faith and trust in God to handle the situation. Â He’s far more capable of helping my husband than I am. Â God knows what’s in his heart. Â All my worrying about my husband’s actions and intentions just added to the tension and didn’t solve anything. Â
One thing that helped me make the decision to consciously change the direction of my thoughts was a statement I read in one of the many, many  books I read regarding infidelity.  (I wish I could remember the title because it was the only place I read it.)  In essence it said the cheating spouse cannot begin their healing process until the betrayed spouse heals.  I don’t know if this is true or not, but it was certainly true for me.  I knew in my soul that I did not want to be the cause of pain for another person.  I couldn’t meet my maker and say, “Yeah, I coulda helped my husband.  I just chose not to.”  Maybe it comes down to Maya Angelou’s statement:  When you know better, you do better.  Whatever the reason, I’m grateful for having found it.
blueskyabove,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is a painful, yet healing part of the struggle to let go of the blaming. I am not sure who wrote the statement about how the healing can not begin until the spurned spouse quits hurting. It makes total sense. It is hard getting close to anyone when they are surrounded by pain and blame. The pain and blame often function like a mine field that explodes with little to no warning, discourages the cheater from getting close and also keeps them away. Whether or not the mine field was intentional, it is there and has to be dealt with.