I was struck the other day by a reader’s email when she mentioned the topic of being “fair.” It reminded me that affairs are never “fair.” Even the name, “a-ffair,” has a hidden message—that it is the opposite of fair.
When you consider that they are called a-ffairs for a reason, you start to wake up. The term affair is often used to avoid the word “adultery,” which has all the moral implications associated with it, or “infidelity,” which has the message of disloyalty associated with it. So in order to water down the extra-marital relationship, the word “affair” is chosen, which also carries meanings with it.
The cheater was not “fair” when they had their indecent relationship. They were not fair when they hid it from you. It is only when you have them “on the spot” that they suddenly want you to be “fair” or “decent.” Although messages of fairness may be a discussion item on today’s college campuses and in the media (one media outlet even prides itself on fair reporting), when people or the media start talking about being “fair,” it is more often than not a HUGE flashing yellow warning light proclaiming “Danger Ahead!” I know that what is about to come out will be anything but fair.
When the word fair is used in marriage conversations about the affair, what follows is typically not fair either. If they used terms like “be merciful” or” have pity,” it would be more honest—although few people talk that way or even grasp the meaning of mercy and pity.
The bottom line is this: Affairs are not fair. They never were, and they never will be. By their very nature, they are not fair. When it comes to our relationships, we are never fair. Someone will always be privileged or favored over someone else. We are supposed to prefer our spouse “above all others.” Marriage by its very structure is not fair.
Even in swinger communities, the problem of fairness is known. They address the issue in terms of primary and non-primary partners. In that community, there is emotional baggage involved with being considered a “secondary” lover. The bottom line is that relationships are NOT fair.
If you want fairness, then marriage is not for you. Marriage requires that you are unfair in how you handle your spouse and threats from lovers. You will always be giving preference to your spouse ahead of outsiders. Although it is “unfair,” it works. God designed it that way. As humans, we cannot handle true relationship fairness. By our very nature, we are unable to treat everyone the same, especially when those relationships get close.
The cheater was not fair to you. They preferred the lover over you. You want your spouse to prefer you over any potential lover. The lover wants the cheater to prefer them over you. Although everyone wants preferential treatment, when things blow up, you find everyone wanting the other parties to “be fair.” The whole situation started with unfairness, and operating under the assumption that by being “fair” it will suddenly make it alright is a scam.
The calls for fairness amount to people wanting someone else to “surrender” their preferred status or position. The call for fairness is nothing more than a ploy to induce guilt. Once you feel guilty for being “unfair,” they want you to surrender your position so that they can take over. Never mind that they did not use fair tactics to force something on you. Those who cry for fairness the loudest often use the most unfair tactics.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
