I believe that your marriage is meant to be great. Marriage by its very nature is intended to be great. When you make your marriage vows at the alter, I doubt that you were making vows for a ‘tolerable’ marriage or a ‘satisfactory’ marriage. When you entered the marriage relationship, you entered it for greatness.
The idea that your marriage was intended for greatness is not some new age, human potential mumbo jumbo. Although there are plenty of human potential people talking greatness, my basis for saying so is rooted in Scripture. Proverbs 19:14 makes it clear that your spouse is from the Lord. Would the Lord give you anything that was not ‘GREAT’? Although your parents may have given you lousy gifts, He does not give lousy gifts. Think about that for a moment.
When was the last time you considered your spouse a ‘great gift’?
It could be that you are being un-great-ful. You are not appreciative of the great gift you were given. Perhaps you needed more instructions on how to take care of your spouse or had your heart set on someone else. Perhaps you let distractions and petty jealousies interfere with the potential greatness in your marriage relationship.
Even affairs are futile attempts at seeking something greater than what you have. The cheater may feel that they are missing out on greatness in some way and go seeking it outside of marriage. The affair is a misdirected effort at achieving that sensation of greatness.
You also want that greatness. The affair leaves you feeling cheated out of the potential greatness. The disappointment results from unmet needs for that greatness. Along the way there are stumbling blocks that interfere with achieving what your marriage was intended to be. I prefer the term ‘constraints’.
Those constraints block, misdirect and choke off the greatness that is in your marriage. When that happens, you may view your spouse as a curse rather than a gift. You may want other people’s gifts, thinking that they would make you happier than your own.
When you start viewing your spouse as more of a burden than a blessing, it is possible for resentment to build up. All that energy from greatness has to go somewhere. When it gets blocked, it often sours into resentments. It is the same amount of energy, just turned around and twisted into a different form. Think about that. You can only resent those who you once cared about, those you once held hopes for. If you did not care, there would be no resentment.
This is what I call un-great-fullness. You are full of that energy that develops from that misdirected desire for greatness. Since it is the opposites of greatness, I call it, ‘un-great-ness’. When enough of that negative energy builds up, you are full, hence, the term…un-great-fullness. In other words, you are filled with negative energy and resentments about your spouse. (You may also be ungrateful, but that will be another post focused on the importance of being grateful and appreciative. Most of you are not ready for that yet. The negative energy will need removal before that can happen).
Recovery from an affair starts the process of removing some of the constraints and the negative energy build up they bring. Things like lying, betrayal and secrets keep your marriage from being what it could be. Disappointments, and holding back are also constraints that are part of the issues leading up to affairs and the constraints they bring.
In bringing out the greatness in your marriage, the constraints holding both of you back will have to be addressed. They will need real solutions rather than band aids. When band aids are applied, you may feel emotionally relieved, yet feel no closer to your spouse. That often occurs due to you having emotional relief as your main focus rather than improving your marriage relationship.
What you focus on is important, be it pain relief or encouraging greatness within your marriage.
I want to help bring out that greatness in your marriage. I will be writing more on this topic in the coming weeks.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
