In the back of my mind, I ponder many of the mysteries about infidelity that I still don’t have the answers to. One of these is the mysterious pattern which I call, “the delay“. Some couples take prompt action in reacting to an affair, while others wait. It’s the couples that wait that currently has my attention.
The mystery that puzzles me are the pattern of those couples who wait for about two years before getting help in dealing with the affair. This waiting is what I refer to as ‘the delay’.
The delay is typically the time from taken between when the affair is discovered and when couples finally go to a therapist or counselor.
What puzzles me about ‘the delay’ are a couple of things. One is the motivation for waiting, the other is the reason for that period of time being a pronounced pattern.
As to motivation, it seems that there are generally two response styles to an affair. One is the proactive couple who goes into crisis counseling immediately. They want to save their marriage at any cost. The other response style is more passive. This is the couple who wait and do nothing for a prolonged period of time.
Since each of your marriages is unique, your reasons for the delay are unique as well. One of the lessons I learned long ago is that ‘one-size solutions don’t fit all‘ when it comes to affairs.
The delay has me wondering if it takes that long for denial to finally wear off and the realization that serious help is needed if you’re going to save your marriage. I know some people have to hurt bad enough before their pride lets them finally do something.
There are other reasons for the delay that has to do with the betrayer. They may be hoping their spouse will never find out. If they’re discovered, they may try to downplay the seriousness of what they’ve done in an attempt to keep their marriage intact. Even then, pride is at work in their actions.
Pride has enough power to keep you from being vulnerable. Pride keeps you from accepting reality and the state of your marriage relationship. Pride has even led some of you to throw away a perfectly good marriage. Rather than admit to mistakes, it was easier to ditch your relationship.
The two-year window of the delay gives you enough time for the pain to reach the level where the action is needed. It also provides enough time for many of the facts surrounding the affair to finally ooze their way out.
One of the problems that come with the delay is that by waiting so long, many of the unhealthy patterns are so entrenched, that they’re now hard to change.
The good news is that you no longer have to wait for help. If your marriage needs help, the Affair Recovery Workshop is now available for download. You can click and download help.
Rather than go to a therapist’s office, the two of you can start working on your marriage in your own home. The delay doesn’t have to happen to you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
