Although it’s not one of the first things that come to mind with affairs, it’s certainly a powerful force. Eventually, it’s talked about. It’s one of those qualities that are right there in front of you, yet most don’t see the forest for the trees.
Rather than coming up in the opening discovery of the affair, it shows up when you start looking at resistance to getting help. That’s when most couples, like yourself, finally address it.
The topic I’m talking about is pride. Although pride is one of the issues that led to the affair, it’s typically addressed later on in recovery. It’s also easier to label the cheater as narcissistic rather than talking about pride and how it’s one of the symptoms of narcissism.
It’s interesting how pride can be a positive quality when used in moderation. It’s what gives us drive, ambition, and motivation. The problem is when it’s taken to the extreme and becomes inflated and out of control. That’s when it starts to do damage.
Whether or not it has narcissism with it, pride keeps you at a distance from the cheater.
In this case, it’s not about pride in achievements. The kind of pride I’m talking about is the one that proclaims “I can”.
Whether they are proclaiming that they can change or that they can stop the affair whenever or that they can have an affair with whoever they want, they’re all variations of destructive pride.
They may have told you that “I can recover from the affair WITHOUT help.”
At those moments, they are defiant. Whether it’s defiant of you, the counselor or their imagined self, it’s defiance all the same. That kind of defiance keeps others away. It also keeps them trapped in dysfunctional patterns of behavior. That kind of defiance is also one of the tools used by cheaters in working up the determination to cheat. It’s a sense of entitlement that says, “I can because I’m owed it.” They believe their happiness is a priority above other needs and issues.
The first step in dealing with this is to get rid of the grandiose thinking. The second is to deal with entitlement. After all, just because they feel entitled to cheat, doesn’t mean they are actually deserved to cheat.
That kind of pride keeps them from admitting their faults, even if it’s faulty thinking. That kind of pride keeps them from seeing faults they need to change. This kind of pride is destructive to marriages. Recovery from the affair requires you to address this topic.
In the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” I address those important initial steps the cheater needs to take.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
