In the early days of being in private practice, I met regularly with a fellow therapist, Sandy Pannett. In our meetings we discussed the challenges and interventions we were dealing with. In one of those meetings, Sandy suggested I watch TV with the sound off in order to improve focus on non-verbal gestures, especially with the sex addicts. I was a little uncertain about how this would work but decided to give it a try.
That suggestion opened up a whole new world of awareness for me. Once I saw the non-verbal gestures, I began discovering what to look for. What had been secretive behaviors that few talked about, now jumped out at me.
I noticed the differences in normal social behaviors versus those of sex addicts. And what gave me even more confidence was that when I shared my observations to Sandy, she validated them. It definitely changed the way I look at television shows.
I saw where the trust issues were and who struggled with sexual addictions. It became clear which couples really trusted each other and which ones were just talking.
It became clear why people say ‘actions speak louder than words’. In this case, sexual addictive behavior stood out like a sore thumb.
Noticing the non-verbal gestures helped me identify many issues that weren’t being talked about. Not only were they not talked about, some of those displaying them weren’t aware of what they were communicating.
That suggestion came to mind recently when I was dealing with some marriages that began with affairs. Now 20-25 years later, the couples are still married. Although they report that things are going ‘well’, their non-verbal gestures tell me a different story.
Words are used to deceive. The non-verbals tell the real story. What they do shows more about where there heart is than what comes out of their mouth.
It astounded me how the denial surrounding their affair remains strong, even many years out. It’s likely that the story line they told themselves about the affair continues being reinforced. They’ve told themselves that story line so many times that now they actually believe it.
The non-verbal messages communicates mistrust, fear and control issues. Rather than enjoying each other’s company, they find fulfillment in their jobs or hobbies.
Their marriages became just a place to share those accomplishments with each other. It struck me as odd how at one point in their lives, they built their whole world around the lover. Now those same individuals are building their worlds around their jobs and other interests. It’s as if they stopped being a couple.
They don’t seem to enjoy each others’ company anymore but rather just socialize and play house at special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas. They moved into separate bedrooms, still sharing the same house for convenience sake.
Now that they’re married to their lover, it all changed. The lover turned into a roommate, while those other areas are where their passions and heart are.
I’ve learned that what they tell me can’t be trusted. The real messages are in their non-verbal gestures.
It’s been a long term project to rebuild trust, especially for the betrayed spouse. For those who betrayed their spouse, they struggle with whether or not they can always be believed. After all, their words and actions didn’t match up in the beginning; why should anyone believe them now?
If your marriage is one of those filled with mistrust, even though you tell yourself things are OK or going well, you’ll benefit from the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” Your body and your gut knows whether or not there is real trust in your marriage. Your non-verbal gestures may be more honest than what you’ve been telling yourself about your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
