When professionals get together, they often share “trade secrets” that the general public are unaware of. This is true of physicians, mechanics, lawyers, dentists, and even counselors and therapists. Some trade secrets are money savers, while others are short-cuts and truisms that the general public are not ready’ to accept or understand.
It is one thing if these trade secrets concern the inner workings of an Alfa-Romeo 4C automobile or ways of getting around lawsuits, but quite another when the secrets are the inner workings of relationships. As counselors and therapists are dealing with relationships day in and day out, they learn many lessons about their inner workings.
When your marriage needs the attention of a therapist, you want to know “what to fix” and “how to do it.” To accomplish that, you rarely need an owner’s manual describing all the features of your marriage relationship, as well as preventive maintenance schedules of things you could have done to avoid problems like the affair.
The problem is that when it comes to relationships—and especially marriage relationships—you often have to go through “the process.” In the Western world, our view of marriage is one that is more akin to a business deal. In that deal, things can be negotiated or the contract broken. This is a stark contrast to other countries like India, where marriage is viewed as an “institution” or a special relationship and status. Once you enter it, you have to respect it and the changes it brings in your life.
I was reminded of this when one of the old masters of counseling, John Bradshaw, shared a “trade secret.” He shared that “Marriage is the greatest psychotherapy there is!” In sharing that insight, he understood how the process of marriage changes you and forces you to face things that you don’t want to face. He also understood how the institution of marriage shapes you over time. It shapes your thinking, your desires, your will and your reality.
When affairs happen, there is a rupture in that special relationship. At that point, you are faced with the choice of repairing the relationship (which can change you) OR leaving that relationship behind (along with whatever changes are in progress). Like an artist leaving behind a half-finished work, you walk away from a work that has been started in your life and heart.
If the general public knew that their marriages would change them more than a counselor ever could, they would make different choices. Now that you know that trade secret, how is it going to change the way you look at your marriage and your spouse? Are you going to stop the changes underway before they are complete? Are you going to stop the process completely? Or are you going to bring in “an expert” that tells you things your spouse has been trying to tell you for a long time?
Perhaps it’s time to start taking steps to improve your marriage, rather than reducing your pain.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
