Anytime you deal with relationships, you quickly discover that they have their own unique ground rules. One of
the ground rules of marriage relationships is that each spouse has their own timetable. Many conflicts and disagreements arise when one spouse’s timetable overshadows the others.
Although I call them ‘timetables’, each spouse has their own timing and way of doing things. These timetables could also be called response styles. Some are impulsive and want fast action on any item, while others have to ‘think about it’ or mull over items before taking action. This shows up in the area of anger as well. Some of you are quick to react, even to the point of explosiveness, while others of you have a slow burn prior to taking action.
Knowing what response style (or timetable) you and your spouse have is important. Over time you learn what is the best approach for the both of you to take. It is not that one style is better than the other. Couples often need both styles to balance each other out. When one predominates, to the point where the other is ignored, there are often problems.
This same ground rule applies to affairs as well. When an affair happens, it does not mean that you need to immediately get help. Yes, your marriage needs the help, although getting the help too soon has its own problems. You may have to allow the hurts and pains to set in before taking action.
When you are allowing the hurts and pains to ‘set in’, it is not that you are ignoring things, you are instead allowing things to simmer. Many times, you or your spouse need internal pressure building up BEFORE you are ready to take action. Had you rushed off to the counselor at the first sign of trouble, there may not have been the necessary pressure build up for real changes to take place.
This is important, since some of you will not change anything unless you are under pressure. If you think back most of the major changes in your life happened when you were under pressure. This is also true regarding making major changes in the aftermath of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
You’re right, Jeff. It had taken a lot of false starts and fake bottoms to affect my husband with SA.
I refused to do counseling last month when the truth of his last affair from 2 years ago was revealed to me by someone he paid to lie to me.
He is sicker than I thought. I knew he was a liar, but to have a secret female friend whom he confided in, and paid to help cover his lie with the real affair partner whom worked at his job.
I thought we were on the right road until them, but God began to show me something wasn’t right.
I know for people with sex addiction the AP is just a drug. The Other Woman thought she was going to take my husband away by giving him sex!!! That’s the worst thing she could have done because sex is a source of guilt and shame him when he was with her!!!
She thought it was a normal affair. He realized what was really going on was that he was not being empowered by sex because he realized the other women had their own agendas!!
They wanted to own him, get money, feel better about themselves, etc.
That wrecked it for him. Realizing he was not All powerful, but a pawn being USED BY THE WOMEN HE THOUGHT HE WAS USING.
He said he felt like a jackass.
I will NOT GO TO ANOTHER COUNSELOR WITH HIM. He needs to work it out. He had major narcissistic tendencies to lie in the ways he has. I won’t go to another counselor with a man who needs to get his OWN MESS straightened out before I would even consider seeing anyone with him. He sleeps in another room, and I think may be wide awake finally.
I’m seeing my therapist and continuing to work on my life.
I won’t make it easy because life is about being personally responsible as an adult not living in a fantasy and hurting others.
He knows the jig is up.
Tu,
Thank you for sharing that. It astounded me that he ‘paid’ someone to lie to you. Wow! Talk about taking things to the extreme! I know that addicts often live life in the extremes, this is a new angle I had not heard of before, although I should not be surprised. He definitely has some issues he needs to address. It is good that he is waking up to being used. Such a rude awakening is often quite a blow to a SA who thought that THEY were the center of the universe. Finding out that others think they are the ‘real’ center of the universe is hard for them to realize. How dare those other people have their own agendas, their own feelings, their own lives instead of everything being about HIM!
I think you choice of not going to another counselor with him until he works some things out is a good choice. He needs to show some commitment to making change, rather than just talk about it. I hope he is waking up and that it is not just a temporary state.
I am glad that God showed you what you needed. It always amazes me hearing how He works in our lives.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Wow Tu
So sorry you have had to deal with this but as you seem to be he grown up I hope you finally get a grown up spouse returned to you after he has had to face reality and learn to live in your marriage as a human being!
In the meantime I think any of us that have been dealing with this pain are going to keep you in our prayers for restoration and personal healingðŸ˜