Having grown up exposed to Dear Abbey, Ann Landers and Hints from Heloise, I’ve developed a taste for advice columns. Even back on my high school newspaper, I had my own advice column in the paper entitled “Tell it to TROG.”
Although I’ve come a long way since the days of Trog, I still read the columns and the advice given to readers questions. These days, I keep up with the answers of Affair Recovery Specialists.
A recent column had the question “How can I respect myself if I stay in my marriage after my spouse had an affair? Is staying after an affair a sign of weakness on my part?”
The specialist addressed how staying in the marriage was more a sign of strength along with the benefits of doing so. In giving her answer, she also gave examples of how staying in your marriage is the preferred option.
My initial reaction was different. First, the questioner focused on herself. Her focus tells me a great deal about her marriage and situation.
What you focus on is where your energy is at. Hers surrounds herself.
She views her husband’s affair as a personal attack. She views the affair as a stain on ‘her’ reputation. It’s as if she is asking “How could he have cheated on ME!?!”
She’s concerned about her reputation and people viewing her as weak. Instead of “How could he do that?” or “Will our marriage survive?” she is instead concerned with how people view her.
She wants answers as to how to live with her husband and her reputation after he rejected her in such a way. For some reason, she’s carrying the whole pain of the affair on her shoulders.
Her question also implies that she believes she’ll be stronger for leaving her husband. Her pain is leading her to some extreme positions of where she believes she’s stronger for leaving her husband.
I suspect she just wants a fast way out of the burden of pain she’s experiencing. I understand her wanting to reduce pain quickly.
Leaving her husband will get her out of pain fast, but at what cost? Her priority right now is reducing her pain.
She’s looking to herself for answers and feels weak by even asking for outside opinions.
Staying in her marriage means she’ll have to face her fears of vulnerability which is what she is calling a ‘sign of weakness’. Fortunately, as a team, she’ll have the combined strength of both of them in addressing her fears and vulnerabilities.
The harsh reality is that whether she stays of goes, she’ll have to face her fears of vulnerability and weakness. Both options have price tags. The option of staying with her husband has the potential of bringing healing to her wounding that wouldn’t be available if she left him.
Situations like this is why in the Affair Recovery Workshop, I stress the importance of the two of you working together as a team in tackling the issues leading up to the affair and the strain it brings into your marriage.
When the two of you work on the wounds together, there is stronger bonding and stronger healing. I encourage you to click the link and download the workshop and apply it to your marriage.
You’ll respect yourself and your spouse more for working through the issues than in using them as an excuse for dumping a perfectly good marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
