You have heard the question, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”. When it comes to affairs, the tough question you have to face is which came first, the marriage problems or the affair? Although it may make you feel better to view the affair as the start of the marriage problems, the harsh reality is that there were problems in your marriage BEFORE the affair. Cheaters often use affairs as the solution to what they view as a problem. The affair is their attempt at ‘fixing’ something. (I know some of you may think it is the first time they ever tried to fix anything). When they use an affair to fix what is wrong with them or the marriage, you will need to understand or ‘decode’ what they are trying to fix. When you know what the problem is, you can come up with a better solution than provided by the affair.
In undoing the events leading to the affair, it is important to be honest with yourself and with your spouse about what you see, what you feel and what you are doing. You and the cheater both have good intentions, yet when it is time to work on the affair, you have to consider what is being done, NOT what is intended. When you take this approach, you will see that what you may have assumed is the problem is not what the cheater views as the problem. Many couples have made their relationships worse by fixing the wrong problem.
Be willing to ask questions, and to listen. Look at what is being fixed rather than what is being intentioned. Recall that even the worst governments in history had “good intentions”.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
