You may find it easy to attack the lover. The lover is often blamed for wrecking the home, marriage and everything else that is wrong. Although attacking the lover, either verbally or physically may leave you feeling better at having released your pent up aggressions, it will not improve your marriage. In fact, attacking the lover may backfire on you. In many cases, when you attack them, the cheater is often drawn to them with greater intensity. With affairs comes the dysfunction of ‘triangulation’ and relationship games. What this means is that attacking the wrong person often sets other forces into motion.
I know it is counter-intuitive to not attack the lover, but if you want to save your marriage, you will need to do things different and think different. The problem lies in the relationship between you and the cheater, NOT between you and the lover, or the cheater’s relationship with the lover. The cheater is giving affection and attention which are rightfully yours to another person. I understand that you are upset about that, but the problem is not with them accepting it, as much as it is the cheater who gave them what was not theirs to give. You will need to address relational issues directly and avoid getting caught in the relationship dynamics.
I spend more time on this topic in my e-book on surviving your partners affair, including explanations of some of the relationship games.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
