You were shocked to discover that your spouse had an affair. You are not only in shock, your whole world has been changed. The Past, Present and Future are now all on shaky ground. Your security vanished in a matter of minutes. After that shock, it is natural to cry out “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” In seeking the answer to that question, you may find yourself asking that question of your spouse, your God and yourself. In most cases, you likely are hardest on yourself. When seeking the answer to ‘Why?”, you may find yourself chasing the garbage man. You start identifying everything wrong with you or that you did not do. You assume that if you find enough garbage about yourself, that somewhere in the trash yard, you will find some magical piece of garbage that will return your life to the way it was.
There are plenty of drugs and booze out there to blot out the present to where you only have the past to face, but that only numbs the pain. The alcohol and drugs do not change anything about your situation. Taking a lover will take your mind off of things, but it will not improve things either. You will take the same garbage into that relationship that you took into your marriage.
The answer you are looking for is not in the garbage dump. Going to a therapist and treating them like the garbage man who can find that one piece of garbage is not the answer either.
The answer, is not in the “Why?” with all of its fault-finding. The answer is in asking “What?”. Look for “What” needs to change. “What you need to do now” or “What you need to let go of”. You may also look for “How”. “How do we fix this?” “How can we make it better?” or “How do I move past this?”
Each of the How and What questions will take you out of the garbage dump rather than into the center of it.
Rather than chase the garbage man, consider looking for what needs to change.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Good one ….Well …all of the time , work , and effort to ‘save ‘ the marriage has ceased here .
He is going back to live his life pretty much divided between work and what is easy for him …relating to children who are not equipped as yet to determine who and what he really is
He is a nice man ..a good looking man …a generous man …a kind man …all true ..but he is also relationally stunted and unwilling to take the proper actions to improve his character in ways that appropriately deal with reality and truth …and to set proper priorities to be able to grow in those areas
He get enough of a good feeling doing things the way he has always done …seeing himself as having “good intentions’ as enough .
God as told us in the Bible ..that the word of GOD is a SWORD …it DIVIDES for us to see our true depth of not only what is really our MOTIVE …but what OUR ‘good intentions’ are next to what is truth and what GOD defines as ‘good’
Apart from doing what GOD tells us in the WAY he has define and set priorities …damage will occur and increase more and more ..and thus the outcome is far from what we may have intended it to be
The life my husband thought he built from his own ‘good ‘ intentions has strayed so far form the truth of what is good he is close to imploding and clinging to the same lying methodology that IF he can do ANYONE some kind of ‘good’ then that makes up for it ..and will not make his life so ‘bad’
The problem with this is that this is yet another form of ‘religion’ …putting what WE THINK is good before what GOD who is the ‘only good’ by the word of JESUS CHRIST >..as our standard and what HE has called upon us to PUT ON ..and PUT IN us …
Our doings are NOTHING without this inner resident of who our LORD is …His word is not only to ABIDE IN us …but we are to ABIDE IN IT >..and then we will more and more be lining up our intentions in the proper order and kind that are an outgrowth of HIS WORDS living LIVING IN us ….
What ill can that do >? NONE for “Love worketh NO ILL to his neighbor’ but first one must HAVE in order to GIVE to those who have need/
Without the WORD /spirit/life of the LORD IN Us ..in our minds …we are ‘dead’ and a ‘sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal of fleshly works …’ we will find in the end a very cold but hard truth ‘ depart from me ye that WORKED lawlessness [wordlessness] I NEVER KNEW you .
The word ‘knew’ is more in terms of the biblical terms relating to INTERCOURSE…since the word of GOD is regarded as SEED….INCORRUPTIBLE SEED …the Lord is acquainted with all of us …knows our every hair …but to ‘know ‘ is to impregnate those who are willing to receive the seed of the word into a heart prepared to receive …having broken up the fallow ground ..and thus the crop is GOOD .
THe KNOWING OF HIS CHILDREN is not acquaintance but to be FATHER by BIRTH ..spirit ..by way of the seed of the WORD ..received with meekness,,,,,nurtured and watered by daily consuming of the ‘bread from heaven’ and then the crop will be good and we will be the children of our Father in heaven INDEED.
Continue in my word and then you will be my discplined ones indeed~
What better way to ‘first do no harm’ to anyone than to please GOD Himself ???
He is has recorded ” This is love …or If you love me …KIEEP my words/ commandments
Loving HIM by way of keeping HIS words and living by them …keeps us from NOT loving others as we ought …being that LOVE will love another in terms of laying down whatever is necessary to try to reach them with exposing them to HIS LOVE ..which IS His WORD!
What a concept!
Zaza,
It is hard to work with a spouse is operating in a different reality than you are. When they are serving one God and you are serving another, there are bound to be conflicts. He is choosing to serve himself and be the God in his life. I am reminded of the term used in the recovery community how EGO=Easing God Out.
Jeff
Thank you …it is comforting to have some confirmation and empathy . People who have been cheated on find so little of it .I appreciate your reflections.
My husband has reduced his connections more and more …it is really hard to love him by NOT loving him …he cannot receive it …I think he simply now feels so unworthy …but I wonder …maybe he just really does not want to love …ME.
God told us to love our enemies…and pray for them ….I feel that I can do this….praying for someone who has wronged you MAY actually turn out that they have ADDITIONAL accounting to do ..for having been given EVERY opportunity to change their ways …and if they don’t it is adding more testimony to the justice of their eternal destination ..>
God’s will is ALWAYS good …hopefully people will open their hearts to allow His word to penetrate that self serving …and self preserving sheild
FOUR “witnesses ‘ of His testimony
.Mat 16:25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it:
and
whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
Mar 8:35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it;
but
whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.
Luk 9:24 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it:
but
whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.
Luk 17:33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it;
and
whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.
.
Zaza,
You are welcome. The pain is often intensified since you often have to bear it alone.