The singer Mick Jagger once said, “I haven’t had the time to plan returning to the scene because I haven’t left it.” His words came to mind when a reader asked about what happens in an affair relapse.
Like a criminal returning to the scene of their crime, when relapse happens, their old ways of thinking and behavior resurface, which started the affair in the first place. I would use the term ‘return’ but they never fully left the affair in the first place.
Typically, the cheater made room for the affair by not hating it enough. They may hate getting caught, but as long as they don’t hate the affair, a risk of relapse remains.
Although hate is a strong word, the cheater needs that strength in saying ‘no’ to temptations, fantasizing and romanticizing. It’s bad enough that Hollywood romanticizes affairs and dresses them up in the sexiest outfit they can find.
The cheater needs to recognize that relapse is possible and prepare for it by practicing strong boundaries, with themselves and their partner. They need a strategy for when they experience the craving or fear of getting caught.
When the internal temptations and external temptations combine, their power overwhelms the cheater. They may not ‘want’ to relapse, but the urges overpower the efforts at containing them.
As long as a faint ember of the affair remains in the cheater, it continues keeping the affair alive along with the desire of returning to it. Ending the physical part of the relationship only takes care of a portion of the problem.
Removing the symptoms you see gives the appearance that things are over. As long as the root issues remain, the cheater’s heart is divided.
The cheater faces the challenge of leaving the scene of the crime. It’s hard leaving it when part of it remains inside of you. Like Mick Jagger said, “I haven’t had the time to plan to returning to the scene because I haven’t left it.”
The cheater doesn’t have to plan out an affair relapse, all they need to do is repeat the same old patterns they’ve been living. They just have to keep doing what they’ve been doing.
If you as the betrayed are only looking for the appearance that the affair is over, you’re settling for leftovers instead of having your spouse’s full heart and commitment. Part of their committing to you is including you in their recovery from their affair.
In my video “Overcoming Affair Relapse” I address many of the relapse-related issues. It covers urges, high-risk situations, triggers and more. In dealing with the risk of affair relapse, the more you know about relapse, the better you can prepare for it by preventing it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
