Would you tell your spouse “Don’t listen to me!” just as you address your affair. Telling them not to listen to you is self-defeating. At a time you want them to hear your out and forgive you, such a statement would jeopardize things.
Your actions are part of your message. Your actions tell your spouse how to treat to along with whether or not to listen to you. When your actions are such a major part of your message, you want it to be right.
The biggest offender jeopardizing your message is not ending the affair. Any discussion about the affair is colored by that relationship. The affair becomes a lens casting a colored light on everything.
If the affair is still going on, the message is clear that your spouse does not matter. When you tell them “You don’t matter” you’re telling them “don’t listen to me”.
Your actions show what your true priorities are. They show your spouse who is important and who is being listened to. Keeping the affair going relegates your spouse to ‘persona non grata‘ (person not appreciated).
The term comes from diplomats being ignored. Keeping the affair going sends the message, “Whatever you say doesn’t matter”. Keeping the affair alive establishes the priorities, which doesn’t include them.
You may have reasons for continuing the affair. You may feel sorry for the lover, you may want the security, you may think you’re in love, you may need a back-up.
Your spouse only sees the affair. For them, the reasons don’t matter. Keeping the affair going means that they’re no longer important to you. Your actions tell them that your opinion doesn’t matter.
It’s risky ending one relationship prior to working on another one. When it comes to relationships, actions do speak louder than what you say. What you do or don’t do speaks louder than any crafted speech.
Best Regards,
Jeff
