In 1969, the book “I’m OK, You’re OK” sold millions of copies. Besides having a catchy title, the message of the book resonated with a generation. It’s message of validating people and their choices caught on.
Although the times have changed since 1969, many cheaters are still looking for validation. They still want to be considered “OK”. They want you and others to view them as “OK”. You may even want the validation that you’re OK as well. When asked are you OK? You want to honestly say ‘yes’.
Although you and the cheater each want validation of being “OK”, at it’s root their are unsettling fears. Those fears are that you and the cheater may not actually be “OK”.
The term “OK” is often used for tolerance and validation. It’s a way of saying that as a person, you and they are acceptable. It’s also saying that there is some degree of ‘normality’ in what each of you are doing.
The motivation for seeking that kind of validation is that there is uneasiness in how you see yourself. You know that things are really not ‘fine’, you just want to feel fine.
With all the hurtful words, times of fear and threats, you and the cheater really are not fine. Neither of you are “OK” either. A painful emptiness exists that each of you wants filled. If you honestly addressed the questions of “Are you OK”? Are you really OK? is actually no.
That emptiness nags you. Day in and day out, it raises the specter that something’s wrong. Since that message is unsavory, you seek validation. finding validation is a way of drowning out the emptiness. Rather than deal with the emptiness, you find ways of covering it over.
Rather than the two of you lying to each other, consider telling the truth. If each of you admitted not feeling “OK” and struggling with emptiness, your relationship would change.
Running from the problem never solves it. Running toward the problem and tackling it does provide solutions. Consider solutions rather than avoiding.
Best Regards,
Jeff
