Attempting to understand the thinking of cheaters can turn your world upside down, especially when they have crossed over to the ‘swinging’ mindset. When cheaters have gone that far, their priority is sexual gratification, plain and simple. They want to release their sexual frustrations and indulge in what they have been denying themselves. They view the release of their sexual frustrations and urges as a priority. If you try arguing with them, it will only frustrate you, since the two of you have different values. They want self-gratification and you want to save your marriage, have loyalty and commitment. Commitment and gratification of desires are diametrically opposed. They are going in two different directions. There may be times that the two line up, but it will be short-lived at best.
That whole sexual frustration and gratification is what landed you in the mess that you are in. Their solution to affairs often includes open marriages, more sex, more swinging, more sex, more flings, more sex. They view the problem as your ‘old-fashioned’ ideas of commitment and loyalty to one woman or man. To them, commitment is akin to prison. They do not understand committed relationships and how important they are. The light is not on in their attic, even though they maintain a hot fire in other parts.
Trying to understand them and convince them to change their ways will fill your days with heartache at best, at worst, it could drag you into a world that you may not escape from without being scarred on many levels.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
AMEN sadly.
I wonder though …he says he does not want sex now because ‘that is what got him into this mess in the first place’ …..and he thinks he can just do without people in his life
I see this as a lie since he is now focused upon trying to make sure his children from adultery and our daughters are provided for …and he enjoys being in their company .
I see this as how he has always been ..never the one to set the rules…or help with discipline.
I think this form of relationship of a man with his children belies immaturity …
The children are seen as little ‘entertainments’ ….the responsibility of parenting is not on the horizon of their scope.
When their sexual desire wanes due to whatever …in our case it is too hard to deal with the ‘ghosts’ of his 14 year adultery …and all that it involves in my difficulties with the images that are still prone to come to mind …it seems he is now only concerned with making sure we are all provided for . which is a good thing…some cannot even rise to that …thank goodness for his continuing ‘ego’ that drives this .
But his will to live is nearly NIL …I guess sex and his assortment of choices of FUN were the whole purpose of life to him…sadly
He as been more about the activities he enjoyed than the people he did them with ,
Zaza,
It is likely that he is presenting to you his version of the truth. He may not be lying to the degree of what he is aware of. It is not uncommon that after indulging like he has that his desires are “out of whack”.
You and I both know what will get him functioning the way he was intended, although he has resistance to that from what you tell me.
Yes I agree. I appreciate your input . He has functioned for so long on this false paradigm …it works at work and in sports but not so much in marriage….I am not the ‘enemy ” ….Men are raised more or less to be interact from the perspective of competition …such as business or sports …or war….so secretiveness is useful in those venues
Having women in the work place also skews this view because they must function somewhat AS a man does in his domain…Though the FEM movement has tried to uproot this aspect I think men are created or hardwired in these domains to behave this way and perhaps ONE of the reasons GOD has had to give the commands to husbands that he does ..to help men learn to suspend these types of responses to interaction with a WIFE that are perfectly useful and warranted in all other types of interactions.
Hunters, Soldiers, and competitors watch their opponents for weak spots too …which is very destructive in how to relate to a wife!
She is not to be someone to ‘conquer ‘!
Zaza,
You make some excellent points. Even in using the term ‘conquer’, women are objectified and turned into a form of property. That is not healthy for the wife, the husband or their relationship. History shows that When wives are viewed as property, there are many problems that arise.