The television host, Wendy Williams has been in the news after her husband’s infidelity. Now she’s facing the aftermath of what happened to her.
In reading the account of where she’s at and how she’s coping after her husband’s affair, Wendy commented that she’s “really reclaiming” her life.
I was intrigued by her choice of words. In working with people, I’ve found when they have to emphasize what they are doing with a word like ‘really’ or ‘truly’ or ‘honestly’, a flashing warning light goes off in my head. When I hear those terms, it alerts me that things aren’t going as well as they are saying.
For me, when there is added emphasis, they’re really saying the opposite of what is verbalized. I question the motive behind the added emphasis. Had she said she is ‘finally reclaiming’ her life, I would believe it more.
It’s as if she has to reassure herself in what she’s doing. I understand the importance of encouragement, yet insincere encouragement comes across as weakness.
One problem with being a therapist is that I’ve learned to see through word games like these. The Wendy Williams story started me wondering how many of you tell yourself that you’re doing ‘really well’ or that you’re “really living” or “really coping” in the aftermath of the trauma in your life.
If you’re telling yourself those things, I need to ask “How are you REALLY doing?” or “How are you HONESTLY doing?”
If you’re not doing as well as you tell others you are, you may still be dealing with some level of denial about what’s going on. Initially you need some denial, but when you hold onto it for too long, it hurts you.
If denial is hurting you or keeping you from ‘reclaiming’ your life, you need to start being honest with yourself. You need to tell yourself the truth.
Then there’s her statement that she’s ‘rediscovering her love of men’. How to you rediscover men? Had she forgotten men, or been a man-hater?
She may be experiencing a new enjoyment of her life. If you ‘rediscover’ something, it sure sounds like you are returning to old patterns. Time will tell.
What I do know is that telling yourself the truth is critical in recovering from an affair. A life full of lies starts with little lies you tell yourself.
In the video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“, I address the importance of telling yourself the truth. Wendy’s likely denying many things. The affair is still fresh. She’s not telling herself the truth about things.
Her statement, “I am a single woman running around New York. I go out a lot because I’m a good-time girl, I like to have fun … I’m really reclaiming my life, I don’t have a boyfriend. But I must admit, I am rediscovering my love of men.” sounds to me more like someone running from their pain, seeking a payback affair and denying it to herself.
You can learn some lessons from Wendy’s hurts.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
