In a post from a few months ago, I posed the question “Do you recognize evil when you see it?” At the time, I wondered if my question was taking things too far. In continuing my reading of affair blogs, I realize that I didn’t go far enough in confronting a lack of awareness. A poster asked, “Am I wrong for telling my husband’s job he’s having an affair with a coworker?“
The question left me stunned for a couple of reasons. First, when you start asking others whether or not what you did was right or wrong, you’ve lost your own moral compass. If you don’t know whether it’s right or wrong, it’s a sign that you’re lost. Feeling lost is a natural reaction to dealing with an affair situation. The lines between right and wrong get twisted and blurred. It’s hard to see things in a clear light.
Yes, telling the job about inappropriate relations has some challenges. Hiding an inappropriate relationship is even more problematic. It makes you part of the problem along with creating an emotional trauma bond with your spouse. The two of you are united in promoting a relationship that is destructive to your marriage. That kind of relationship is self-defeating at best. Asking others to make judgments on your actions also makes you vulnerable to other people’s judgments and opinions. This is a back door to gaslighting problems. If you’re letting others make choices for you, you’ve likely been doing it with your spouse as well.
Second, the focus of the questioner is on public opinion rather than her marriage. When you focus on what others think, you’re not focused on your marriage. This is one of the problems the cheater has. They’re looking to others rather than focusing on their marriage. I understand that after years of living with your spouse, you pick up some of their habits. The affair is a signal that something needs changing. When both the cheater and the betrayed spouse are focused on others rather than their marriage relationship, it creates problems.
This is one reason in my Affair Recovery Workshop, I emphasize using the question “Will it bring healing?” If the questioner’s actions brought healing to her marriage, it helped. If on the other hand, her actions weren’t focused on healing for either her or her spouse, something else was motivating her. When you lash out in spite or vengeance, there is always fallout.
Your spouse didn’t do right. They expect you to keep their secrets. They just want you to follow their directives. They live in a world of deceit and hidden activities. Well, when you followed the directives, did things work out? Did they have your best interest at heart? If they don’t have your best interest or your marriage at heart, how can you trust their directives?
Now is the time for the two of you to make some changes. Although you know that change is needed, do you know what changes to make and how to make those changes?
If you don’t know where to make changes or what needs changing, then the Affair Recovery Workshop is a must. Just click and download. It contains hours of material designed to help you through the situation you’re in. You don’t have to continue wandering around like you have a broken compass. You can regain direction and confidence when you know what to do.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
