You may have read the title of this post thinking “What the heck is marital ethics?” The term itself, although absurd in my mind is an important issue in many marriages in crisis due to an affair. If your marriage is in crisis, then ‘ethics’ are a major concern.
In previous generations, right and wrong behavior were regulated by morals. These morals were often taken from Biblical principles either directly or indirectly.
Certain behaviors were right and certain behaviors were wrong. Infidelity was one of those behaviors in the ‘wrong’ category.
Although that system was simple, many cheaters reject morals along with any ideas of right or wrong based on Scripture. In their place, they substitute ‘marital ethics’.
Instead of talking about what’s right or wrong, they talk about what’s fair, or what’s ‘right’. In this case, they use a moral term, yet without the moral baggage for them regarding the affair and its aftermath.
In their ethics, they did what felt right to them. In the marital ethics mindset, each party does what feels right instead of what is morally right.
The determination of what feels right is based on their own self-divination. The cheater decides what’s ‘right for them‘. They may even say something like ‘everyone has to find out what works for themselves‘, or ‘what’s right for them’.
This rightness comes across like a divine decree which they based on what makes them feel good or what in their thinking is correct.
If this sounds awfully narcissistic,.. it is.
When the ‘marital ethics’ card is played, they’re using a system of ethics based on the self-centered thinking putting their own gratification above all else. Their own self-consciousness and self-gratification is the #1 priority in their thinking.
They can be very logical, yet their logic is impacted by the narcissistic self-centered gravity of their thinking. Their intention was ‘good’ so what they did ends up being ‘good’, no matter how morally bad or destructive to others it was.
Like gravity pulls on every object, their self-centered perspective exerts its force on all their thinking.
They may have had a good dream for their marriage to you, or ‘never intended to hurt you’. When they tell you these things, they are very sincere in believing that their intentions are more important than what they actually did.
In their thinking, all wrongs done to you and the family can be erased by them having a good intention/dream/wish.
If they’re giving you this ‘marital ethics’ line of cow patties, you’ll need to call their actions NOT their intention into question. You will have to neutralize their whole use of good intentions.
If they get you to swallow their good intentions, or friendliness, or well wishes, you’ve lost any hope of them being held accountable for their actions. They did wrong.
What are they going to do to about what they did?
How are they going to clean up their mess?
Good intentions don’t clean up messes. Good intentions don’t bring the same kind of healing that putting a band aid on the hurt and administering first aid.
They can wish you well, send you good vibes, direct good light your way or numerous other gestures. These aren’t the same as doing what it takes in making things right.
If you want to understand more about the weird twisting in cheater thinking, the ebook “Why He Cheats” goes into greater detail. In it, you’ll discover the role of fantasy in affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
