It still breaks my heart reading emails from those of you who continue struggling after the affair is over. The common theme is that the cheater is back, yet they’re caught in an emotional wrestling match. There’s a fight going on inside them.
Even though the cheater is back with them, they’ve lost their love of life and have started isolating themselves. Having someone back who’s not really with them is heartbreaking. They may be sleeping in the same bed with you, yet their heart and mind are somewhere else.
Fear dominates their thinking and daily lives. They feel trapped and vacillate between staying or leaving.
The desperation comes across in their emails. They start off wanting to write a quick response and end up sending three or four emails.
I want to help them get out of this mess because it’s not the way life should be lived. But I also understand that what they’re going through is complex and may require more than a blog post can offer.
Many people struggle with getting over an affair, but there are some things we know about is “why did this happen?” or “how did I get into this mess?”
I hope this gives you some insight into how to get out of the mess. In most cases, The readers, like you aren’t ready to hear the answer. They still look for the answer in their relationship with their spouse. They assume something is wrong with them or their marriage. In most cases, they’re wrong.
The cheater brought things to a head, yet the root of where it comes from goes back further. This is why the Affair Recovery Workshop addresses family patterns as part of affair recovery.
Although you may not want to accept it, 60% of affairs are part of long-term family patterns. Those patterns shape your behavior in powerful ways. Your behavior is being triggered by forces you don’t see.
It’s hard breaking the pattern. The first step is understanding how you got into this mess.
To get out of any relationship, there are two things that have to happen: you have to end it and you also need a plan for what comes next. In an affair, both those steps are needed at the same time.
Another startling finding is that 70% of affairs happen when the cheater is drinking or drugging. If you’re in a long-term affair and the cheater is drinking or drugging, there’s more of a risk that they’ll be unfaithful.
When your spouse returns home, it doesn’t mean that everything is over. The root source of the relationship problems still needs your attention.
Even when there’s not a pattern of affairs, you may find some trauma bonds there that made you vulnerable to the problems you now wrestle with. The baggage from your family of origin spills over into your marriage.
Identifying and addressing the issues stemming from those traumas or inadequate parenting is an important part of you recovering from what happened.
It’s also important that any addictive behaviors be addressed.
What to Expect After an Affair: This can be a time of deep healing and growth for both spouses. You might experience the pain, torture, and agony associated with betrayal. Just because the long-term effects are not well known due to little research done on this subject matter. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek help or start.
As a therapist, one thing that is always on my mind is how people got to where they are in their relationships. There are many issues and forces outside of our control that shape your marriage. Learned helplessness is working against you.
There are also steps you can take. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I guide you in applying those steps to your marriage. I will show you how to identify the forces that led your marriage into difficulty, and give you tools for overcoming them.
Rather than beat yourself up over who and what to blame, take action and order the workshop today.
Click and download it today. Start getting out of the mess rather than prolonging it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
