Although I enjoy emails, there are some questions that come up that don’t have easy answers. When you readers ask questions, you want answers.
I want to give them answers they can use. This means I need a clear idea of what’s being asked.
What makes big questions challenging is that the asker is either venting or unclear on what they are wanting. Today a reader asked “What are the long term effects of an affair?”
Without making it clear as to whether she was talking about herself, the cheater, or her children, it put me in the position of being in a guessing game. I had to guess what she was referring to.
Being in the guessing game means I’m gambling. In this case, I have a 33% chance of guessing correctly. If I don’t answer it correctly, I’ll be accused of not listening or understanding her situation.
When you talk to your spouse, asking vague, big questions will frustrate your spouse. Such questions are a gamble to answer correctly.
You may be expressing your frustrations, yet the person on the listening end is left confused as to what you’re asking and entering an emotional casino where the odds are against them.
Big questions are also a way of keeping conflicts alive. When your spouse can’t give you an answer, it keeps the fight going since there are no safe solutions.
Then, when you talk long term effects, are you talking about the effects on your health, your relationship or your thinking? Affairs impact every part of your life.
Without narrowing down what area you are concerned about, the answer could fill a medical text book.
I answered her the best I could, yet wondered “Does her spouse go through what I experienced?”
If you aren’t sure how you are coming across, you need a peer group where you can test your questions. Having another set of ears to hear what you’re ACTUALLY asking can avoid conflicts.
One place where you can test your questions is the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you can share your questions with others along with having access to videos and resources for helping you through affair recovery.
You can ask others who’ve gone through what you’re going through what they said, how they said it and what happened. You don’t have to be alone in your pain any longer unless you want to be.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
