After being inspired by a podcast, the question of being unworthy versus having a lack of confidence overwhelmed me. It struck me that many of you may be struggling with one, or both or confusion between the two when faced with affair recovery. Since I have been working on a new webinar addressing the initial shock of the affair and ways of moving you past this, I felt this is a question needing an answer.
When either you or your spouse deems themselves ‘unworthy’ for the other one, what follows is often a series of self-sabotage actions. The person who considers themselves ‘unworthy’ may even start self-destructing.
You may hear “I don’t deserve someone like you” or “How could you love someone like me?” These may sound like confessions, but underneath, there are themes of being ‘unworthy’. When one of you considers themselves unworthy, they will begin doing things to verify or confirm their belief.
The ‘unworthy’ person dismisses or does things to create externally what they believe internally. They literally surround themselves with a reality of their own creation. The shock comes that if you love them despite of what they believe about themselves, they will find ways of making it hard to love them. They may even do things to make you reject them.
Anytime you compliment them, they will dismiss what you told them or find a way of demeaning it. When unworthiness is in play, they will reject compliments, yet manage twisting anything you say into a put-down. If you ever wondered why your spouse always takes things the worst way, that you never intended, you are likely dealing with a unworthy issue.
If this sounds like a temper tantrum to you, in many ways it is. They have it in their heads that they are unworthy and are determined to prove that to you, even if it means chasing your affections away.
The other danger is the lack of confidence. In the aftermath of an affair, one of you may feel less of a man or woman related to what happened. The affair robs you of the confidence you once had.
Loosing confidence is more about loosing a willingness to take risks. The sense of value or worth is there, yet it is surrounded by the fears associated with the lack of confidence.
On the surface, lack of confidence and unworthiness may look similar. What is at the core is what’s different. The lack of confidence can be overcome with practice.
Unworthiness requires some work on their sense of self. They need a whole new re-vamp of self-worth and what theirs is based on. If you have further questions on lack of confidence and unworthiness after an affair, feel free to leave your questions or concerns below. Let’s talk.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
