One phrase I often hear is some variation of ‘all married couples have their disagreements’. Typically I hear it when one person feels uncomfortable about being in a recent argument with their spouse.
The way some couples carry on, there I times I believe they could be professional when it comes to arguments. Being good at arguing doesn’t mean that you’re a good communicator by any means. They may be good at expressing themselves in colorful ways, but it does not mean that they are being understood.
You may be good at lashing out and name-calling or making others feel miserable, but that doesn’t make you a good communicator.
If the two of you were arguing before the affair, it’s unlikely that in recovering from the affair the arguing will suddenly go away. The two of you will still need some skill and ability in problem resolution along with changing the marriage environment.
By changing your marriage environment, I’m referring to changing the relationship and culture the two of you have created. Making up after a fight is not the same thing as making changes to your marriage.
One way of reducing conflicts in a marriage with a history of them is by changing your marital culture. This includes changes in how the two of you have always done things.
It could be that doing it the ‘way you’ve always done it’ is likely a big part of the pattern of problems.
When your spouse is back home, some serious changes are needed. Making serious changes requires both of you to work together. Serious changes require looking at problems and solutions from multiple perspectives.
Considering other perspectives than your own is a crucial element in resolving conflicts and fostering a healthy relationship.. It’s not just about acknowledging the existence of another’s perspective, but genuinely trying to understand and appreciate it.
By opening up to alternate viewpoints, you allow yourself to perceive situations in a new light, which can lead to innovative solutions that may have been overlooked in a one-sided approach. This practice can fundamentally alter the dynamics of a relationship, replacing conflict with cooperation and understanding, thereby enriching the marital culture.
It also helps to know what areas need changes. Removing the cheater from high-risk situations and reducing triggers is a good start, but you need more than that.
Recovery from the affair means that the two of you will be creating a marriage with new rules and expectations rather than just carrying over the ones from the previous way the two of you did things.
In my video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, I address ways of changing how the two of you interact with each other. This way the two of you can make changes rather than just make up.
It also helps save time and hassle when you know where changes are needed. You know where your pain points are, yet those may not necessarily be where change is needed.
When you take your car to the mechanic, you want the source of the problem fixed, rather than just the symptoms of the problem. Removing the squeaks and rattles is not the same thing as replacing the part that needs replacement.
There are ways of getting your marriage back to where the two of you actually connect and make improvements to your marriage together.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
