[Affair Recovery Radio] Narcissism and Lies about the Affair

Narcissism presents some special challenges. It perverts and distorts communication. For a narcissist, the only reality that matters is theirs.

Narcissism and lies <<– listen to the audio here

Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to get down into some more brass tacks type of issues, and the topic’s going to be narcissism and lies.

I’m bringing this up because some of the people that read my blog at Survive Your Partner’s Affair, have struggled with the whole issue of narcissism for awhile. I feel like I need to go ahead and address it.

That’s mainly because when you’ve got a cheater that has narcissism, it presents some special challenges.

Narcissism is a disorder. It perverts and distorts communication. Any type of problem-solving, for both the cheater and the person who was cheated on.

In any kind of marriage relationship narcissism has a way of distorting and twisting things around. But when you’ve got an affair situation it gets even worse. Everything gets totally bent out of shape. That’s going to present some unique challenges, and that’s what we’re going to be talking about today.

One of the problems that you’re faced with with the narcissist is that the only reality that matters to them is their reality. The only truth that matters to them is their truth.

When they’re stuck in this way of thinking, this way of behaving, presenting them with facts, presenting them with any kind of evidence, it’s not going to register.

If it’s not true in their mind’ it doesn’t exist’. That’s what makes this disorder especially frustrating with a unique kind of frustration. My heart goes out to you if you’re having to deal with this.

In terms of dealing with narcissists, I could spend probably weeks, if not a whole month, talking about narcissism and affairs, but I’m just going to go ahead and start scratching the surface. Because I know some of you are hurting so bad you need some answers now.

1. You’re going to need to recognize that right and wrong are not absolutes with narcissists. Everything is relative. And if you are a person who is used to dealing in right and wrong, black and white, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, all bets are off. The way that they operate, everything becomes negotiable. What you used to think of in terms of this is definitely right, this is definitely wrong, no. Those kind of game rules don’t apply with a narcissist. And you’re going to have to realize this.

If you don’t you’re going to find yourself even more frustrated.

2. When you’re dealing with them you’re going to need to put the issues in terms of how it impacts them. Given their mindset, they’re not interested in how what they’re doing is hurting you, how it’s hurting the kids, how it’s hurting what the people think about the family. They’re only interested in them.

You’re going to have to talk about what they’re doing it and how it make the kids not want to get close to them. How it makes you not want to get close to them.

You’re going to have to reframe it and structure things to where it’s extremely self-centered. You’ve got to think in terms of with a narcissist they’re only interested in them. And when you present your information as to how it’s going to impact them, that’s the only way things are going to sink in.

Otherwise, there’s going to be like water off a duck’s back.

3. With narcissists it really is all about them. Some of you may joke, well my husband or my wife everything’s always about them. Them, them, them. When you’re dealing with a narcissist it really is all about them.

There’s an old joke that with a narcissist their favorite radio station is WII-FM. What’s in it for me? If you use that old expression that’s going to give you some tools for dealing with them, because they are looking at the world through those WII-FM glasses. What’s in it for me.

Everything they look at, that’s how they’re going to be viewing it. Even insignificant issues can become big because everything is about them. And they’re going to find ways in your arguments with them to twist it to where it becomes about them.

If you had to work late or something they’re going to say it’s about them, you didn’t like something about them, and that’s why you had to work late.

Recognize these things., as you are dealing with narcissists, and you’ll get much further. If you are expecting them to operate in your reality and your world, you’re going to be in for a lot of disappointment, a lot of frustration.

That’s why I wanted to go ahead and at least address this issue, because this is a population that when they have affairs there’s some unique challenges that you’re faced with when it comes time to dealing with them, and you need to be aware of that.

These are some things that will help you in terms of negotiating and talking with them. I hope that you go ahead and get them into practice this evening.

I know you may have to work at putting things in terms of how it impacts them. It takes a little practice to do that. But believe me, it’s worth it. A little bit of forethought will go a long way when you’re dealing with these types.

If you need more help in addressing communication issues, I invite you to order the “Affair Recovery Workshop”. In it you’ll find direction and ideas for opening up your communication with the cheater.

Best Regards,

Jeff