You may hear that what happens behind closed doors is “nobody’s business” and that it is private. Such excuses are often used to justify or hide what is actually a concern for many people. That kind of thinking reveals a self-focus and selfish view that disrupts all their relationships. Does selfishness impact anyone? Does keeping secrets impact anyone? The answer to both of these questions is an unqualified “Yes”. What the cheater does behind closed doors impacts you, your children, and your community. When a cheater’s actions impact their marriage, their family and their community, it is not something between consenting adults, and ‘nobody’s business’ as they claim. What makes their action even more egregious is that what they have done in the past also impacts their relationships. The cousin of “it’s nobody’s business” is “what’s in the past is in the past”. In a similar manner, this cliche is also a lie and distorts reality. The cheater often attempts distorting their view of things to make everything better. After they distort their view of reality, they falsely assume that ‘all is well’ when the only change they have made is screwing up their own thinking about things.
When the cheater messes up the lives of all those around them with what they do, the secrets they keep and lies they tell, it is not a victimless matter.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
Yes Jeff and with the ‘let’s just let it be in the past’ it never does get there ….without facing reality and the self things just grow beneath the surface like the world largest fungus beneath Oregon! silently growing …effecting all kinds of growth on the surface ..
Compounded events coming about as we speak …as the OW begins her methods to get whatever she can through her manipulations regarding the children ….Sigh .
I am learning to keep my own counsel ….I am better off not beating my head against and ‘immovable object’ ….people who are stubborn and unteachable will only continue on in the same trajectory until they reach a point where they will [hopefully] begin to be interested in hearing or heeding what is actually useful to making or allowing changes that come from hearing what is truth .
It is interesting how much information begins to come TO me now ….I am not going to ‘chase’ whatever is going on …it is a waste of time . The CS who wants to cheat WILL …there are just too ,many ways for them these days to get away with it …but GOD is in his heaven and HE will have it exposed at some point …and it is inevitable it seems…
Mat 10:26 Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.
Luk 12:2 For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.
How do keep this article from being used into bullying the WS into sharing all the details of the encounter with the AP? Do we need to know that they are having sex behind closed doors? Yes, of course. Do we need every sorted detail of what and how it all went down? Not so sure. This article falls a little flat in that respect. I do understand how AP’s like to keep the secret and rugsweep and that is unhealthy and inhibits healing and reconciliation. I also know what it is like to know some details that will always be burned into my mind that , looking back, I wish I didn’t know.
I also advise on caution with sharing with close friends and family. Once its out, it can lead to hard feelings for years that may make moving on difficult. Granted each situation is different, each family is different, I have seen families been torn apart by the “war” of infidelity and never able to be overcome once the couple decides to stay together.
All that said, shedding light on the affair to the affected parties is a must! Betrayed spouses must be informed.
Kayla,
Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful comments. Knowing too much is dangerous. That knowledge leads to powerful images being made in your mind which often interfere with forgiveness. It is a mistake to batter the cheater into confessing all only to be tormented by it. For them, telling all is a relief, yet for the resolute spouse, it starts a new phase of torment and pain.
Many cheater use ‘let’s just let it be in the past’ to never touch the topic again which interferes with communication, throws a monkey wrench into forgiveness and bottles up the pain inside their spouse. Leaving it in the past allows for a quick reduction in immediate pain, yet resolves nothing. It starts a ticking time bomb that will one day explode, hurting more people than they ever imagined.
It is also important for the resolute spouse not to bully the cheater. I do not know of any one sure fire way to keep them from doing it. When the resolute spouse is so full of pain that they can not listen, they continue on their path of self-destruction and marital destruction. They do not realize that they are destroying the very thing they say they want to save.
Few cheaters are aware of Biblical principles of how their actions bring destruction and curses onto their homes, families and communities. They assume that it is “Nobody’s business”, yet they would be surprised if they knew what kind of destruction and pain they are responsible for bringing into many people’s lives. Infidelity is not ‘just something between adults’, it brings some serious pain with curses on the land and into their homes. Since most cheaters are only aware of their own pain and can only see how it effects them, they are blind to the big picture of what they have unleashed.