In my younger days, I enjoyed the song “Wooly Bully” by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. We liked the song so much we named a couple of puppies we had, ‘Wooly’ and ‘Bully’. We named them wrong. “Wooly” often bullied his litter mate more than “Bully” did to him. “Bully” on the other hand was long haired and lovable. I mention that since I often think of that song when I hear the word “Bully”. You may be bullying your spouse and not realize it. You may be thinking that you are being loving and caring, when the reality is you are intimidating and threatening. You may be the bully when you think you are being the cute, lovable wooly one.
Bullying comes in many forms. A common one is nagging or scolding. (I find this distinction interesting in that when women do it, the term nagging is used, yet when men do it, the term is scolding). Whether you nag or scold, you are using verbal harangues to torment the cheater. By never giving them much peace, you literally beat them into telling you things. I have seen some cheaters make up lies at this point just to shut up the harangues. They figure that if they tell you what you ‘want to hear’, that you will eventually stop bullying them. You may think that that is ‘communication’ or ‘a confession’ when in reality, they are just giving you a lie or enough of the story to shut you up.
One of the problems with this type of bullying is that the pattern sets in that the only way to get the cheater to talk is through harassing them. Such a pattern is not healthy, loving communication. It is not motivated by love. Talk that comes about through intimidation does not provide a good foundation for healthy marital communication patterns.
instead of bullying them into submission, you may want to consider other options.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
What other option when all you get are lies. How do you watch you wife with another man … literally conftont them…and she denies it…. almost everyday… then she won’t even discuss anything
itsbeensolong.
I view confronting and bullying as two separate things. The cheater does need to be confronted. The both of you need to break through the ‘fog’ and find a way. When the affair is part of a sexual addiction issue, there will need to be greater amounts of confrontation. The rules change when you are dealing with sexual addiction issues rather than an affair done out of straying. Although both involve affairs, the relationship dynamics going on are different. Since the dynamics are different, the approach needed will be different as well.
To put it simply, with the addict, you need to break through the defenses which means a more confrontational approach. With a straying affair, you will want to work on drawing them back to you which requires more relationship building approaches. They are both affairs, but the ‘why’ behind them is very different.