In following up on yesterday’s post on forgiveness, I need to tell you some things about pain. I know that you are hurting and could tell me a lot about pain. I do not want you to carry that pain longer than you need to. We were never designed to carry pain for long periods of time. When you hold onto it, there is immediate hurt, and there are long term consequences as well. Holding onto the pain can start breaking down your health, your self-confidence, and sense of security. Despite all the bad things about pain, some of you continue holding onto it in the belief that if you hold onto it long enough or have enough of it, that the cheater will change their ways and make things right with you. That kind of thinking is misplaced and can shorten your life.
Although you may assume that you have ‘magical’ powers and that somehow by holding onto the pain, you can control or pressure the cheater into making changes, it does not work. The belief that your pain will somehow draw the cheater back to you, like a magnet is a mistake. The pain will not make you more attractive to them. Holding onto the pain will not give you control over them. Keeping your pain will not give you leverage over your spouse. You will need to let go of the pain and let go of the ‘magical’ thinking. Thinking that they will come back to you since you are in so much pain will be disappointing. Holding onto the pain does not make them suffer at all (if it does, then there is a sado-masochistic trend in your marriage that presents bigger problems). That kind of thinking has more in common with witchcraft than it does in relationship dynamics. Holding onto the pain as an excuse for un-forgiveness is also a mistake.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
6 Responses
I have to say that holding on to the pain is one of the major stumbling blocks in recovery. Â I did plenty of it myself. Â Holding on to pain can also lead to acts of desperation and a desire for revenge…no matter the cost. Â IMO many times it plays out as misguided manipulation on the part of the BS, and I have to admit that the idea of revenge would occasionally pop into my thoughts. Â I never, ever acted on them, though, and I also never discussed them with anyone else.
Unfortunately, I read a lot of this kind of thinking on many of the forums dealing with infidelity, and inevitably there will be support for it from other like-minded, desperate BSs. Â To my way of thinking, tit-for-tat isn’t helpful for recovery of the marriage or the individual, but I’m coming to the conclusion that getting the forum participants to acknowledge this is wishful thinking on my part. Â As long as the BSs have a place where they can keep telling their story and have confirmation over and over again from other BSs about what a complete a$$ their spouse was/is then “holding onto the pain” is inevitable. Â Why would they want to let it go when they are receiving such positive(?) support from total strangers no less? JMO
blueskyabove,
Thank you for sharing from your experiences. Pain is a POWERFUL motivator for good or in some cases for bad. When you are in pain, you may find yourself excusing many kinds of behavior that you would not otherwise consider. That is one of the reasons that you will need to surround yourself with helpful people and not those who are man/woman haters and only live to see revenge inflicted on others as a way of dealing with their own pain.
You both bring up very good points. As Bluesky pointed out many forums are simply venting and exchanging places for the wounded …I try to introduce as much of what is directed by the Word for not just dealing with my OWN situation but offering encouragement and hope for those who see no way to go but down and away.
I don’t claim to have it all together and still share some of what has been going on since it gives some sense of credibility ..after all we seem to take the ‘advise’ of those who have been there to some degree.
I have come to the point where I have realized just what you pointed out Jeff….people who are capable of such henious ‘crimes’ against the one person they have gone out of their way to CHOOSE to marry …are simply not going to be all that responsive or empathetic…they are so self involved with their own pain and ‘need’ that they simply do not practice thinking of the other people around them in those terms.
I have had to face that any change at all may be a LONG way off if ever …My husband has continued the practice of making his plans for his own pleasure and recreation with no thought to include me.
He does not see why he should make time to ‘date’ me now ….He did not care to make any plans to do so before when he had so many ‘options’ even before he had OW
Selfish and self serving is a habit with him .. mentally and socially , He simply wants to do things and who he does them with is interchangeable …whomever is available and able to drop everything or if he really wants to go somewhere with say another woman he will plan ahead …I ….am a ‘wife’ so I do not ‘qualify ‘ as someone he would want to plan to be with …I am the one who will ‘do’ if noone else is available or he has nothing better to do .
I did not “train ‘ him to be so self indulgent …at least not thinking so ..I would encourage him in the early years because I thought if I could not go [usually because his invitations were last minute] and I had to have time to plan sitters etc….I would say ” you go ..you work hard …you deserve to have some recreation’ …YES I actually said that …and if I asked him to go with me somewhere ..unless it was something that ‘every dad ‘ should do ….he would decline …I would say ..’you know I did not get married to go everywhere alone’ …to which he would simply refuse to go ..no tantrum ..no argument he just REFUSED and kept on with his television or whatever plans he had.
It was simply CRUEL ..I feel now he married me to ‘take me off the market’ and ‘out of circulation’ like a dog in the manger…He did not want me to accompany him in his activities but he did not want me to enjoy any other relationships!….
Just tonight I observed that he makes dates to leave his office to spend time with the kids of the OW …and it feels like cheating even though they are children …which is absurd unless one understands how even a job can develop into a kind of ‘infidelity’.
I asked him what plans he had coming up and he began to think ,…mentioned some business trips…usually I do not get to hear about them if I do not ask …or at the last minute when he will say “I TOLD you!” usually he has not ..
My children are here and can attest that he often thinks he has told me of some event when nothing has been said.
To some degree …I now believe he HAS told ‘someone’ but not me….I also believe his OW who accepted his ‘arrangement’ SPOILED him and he has grown even more self centered since everyone one seems to have altered their lives to make themselves available to him and his schedule…
When I married I got the impression that the WIFE was to be sure she was available to her husband … partially since he worked outside the home and if she was a stay at home mom then part of her duty and ability to convey love to her husband was this availability …
Also as a homeschool mom I declined many of the social offerings of the women in our strata of society and communities since I felt my priority should be my family ….
Lately I have had to realize my ‘dating ‘days are over as he has told me he is not going to change his view…I am not someone he dislikes …I think he simply dislikes himself and being with me just reminds him of what a good thing he abused …thus he does not want to spend time with me…..when I am sweet to him and forgiving and have felt this was the best way for me to go forward it has not changed anything
He is self involved and only interested in being detached from me and our family yet wants to remain in the family …is that weird? I think he needs help but we cannot afford it now and he won’t go anyway.
He is satisfied for his OWN life and does not wish to give to anyone else except on HIS terms .
I have some peace
Jeff, I don’t know if you meant to include the actions of the CS when you responded, but that’s the way I read it. Â I wish people would acknowledge the possibility that the CS was in pain and, as you said, excused behavior that they wouldn’t otherwise consider. Â I believe it goes to their intention. Â Many CSs don’t start out to deliberately have an affair. Â And…they are heavily influenced by the company they keep…especially ‘secret’ company.
Mind you, my understanding of my H’s actions weren’t nearly as benevolent in the early weeks and months after DDay, but I never wished him harm or hated him. Â I wish there had been someone available to open my eyes and mind to the bigger picture in those days, but most of it was a long, torturous, self-taught, trial and error discovery. Â I get frustrated with many of the BSs on the forums because they seem to gravitate to the negative diatribes of a few very vocal individuals that refuse to have any compassion for someone they profess to love. Â Just like the unbridled support the cheaters receive from the affair partners, many of the BSs blindly trust that they are receiving valuable advice from the other BSs simply because they had a similar experience. Â No one seems to recognize that they are needlessly continuing to inflict pain on themselves in the process.
The similarities between the CS’s actions during the affair and the BS’s actions after DDay are astounding. Â Cheaters don’t have a monopoly on deceit and secrecy, but for some reason the BS’s actions are considered acceptable…even laudable…on the majority of the forums. Â They’ll come up with lots of justifications for why they refuse to even consider forgiving their spouse for the deceit and manipulation they suffered while they choose to do the same to another human being. Â It seems to be generally accepted that they are, after all, the victim; and as such they have determined they are entitled to play out all sorts of atrocities in the name of equality. Â How unfortunate that they so often deliberately choose to sink to the level of the unfaithful spouse rather than see it as an incredible opportunity for personal growth and awareness. Â But, as you said, pain is a powerful motivator…especially when it’s multiplied.
blueskyabove,
Thank you for your insight on perspective. I had not fully realized how the post could have been read from the other viewpoint. Wow! Holding onto the pain is an issue for all involved. It distorts, hides, magnifies things to the point where the emotions and thinking are all twisted around. I will need to come back and address the pain issue from the cheater perspective as well. When you have everybody hurting, many times they wander about spreading more hurt rather than lessening it.
There is always enough pain to go around in life….and truly it is a test of character and will as to what one does with it.
Each person comes into marriage with perspectives from having lived life amid a lot of similar challenges but there are definite effects of upbringing …family of origin and the way they have been taught to relate to others, as well as the impact of what their peer group has supported or encouraged.
I have to say truly that when my husband began to relate to me all the painful things that the OW used to keep him ‘hooked’ into her various crisises and ‘needs’ it did not compare to the things I had been through in my life…but I did not CHOOSE to allow those things to make me into that sort of individual
The character of a person is revealed through various challenges and ordeals that life may bring across their path.
My husband began his life with a lot of love and support from his family …THEY had a culture of hiding truths that they did not feel comfortable with …such as the diagnosis of inoperable cancer that his mom had …they could not bring themselves to ‘hurt’ her by letting her know that she was dying …though as I spoke to a nurse in the ICU when my mom was dying, asking if I should let her know her condition she said that people who are dying usually KNOW it and they also need closure but if the family will not acknowledge it and refuse to open the conversation they are not able to .
This is an extreme example of the way some families encourage situation ethics and out of not knowing HOW to deal with something or not wanting to feel the painful ways some truths effect them ..they deny or cover up what needs to be addressed.
When I married my husband we were both in the process of what the Bible calls ‘the walk’ …He was growing in knowledge and application of learning and then applying what Jesus tells us is the healthy way to live …including being open and forthcoming and not stealing .
THe character of a person is not built overnight . I entered the marriage with my eyes open “MOSTLY” but I had the idea that my husband would continue down the trajectory that he was when we courted ….he was a wonderfully compassionate person , fair minded, generous, very positive attitude….but he would not admit that his charm should be curbed as he was married.
Looking back I see that he simply was not READY for marriage , He was a lot younger than I …not that age equals maturity …or any of the character building strengths that one needs to navigage many of the pitfalls of adults life.
His opportunities increased with his entry into a field where he had a LOT of attractive women to work for him ….when we married he was working with ONE aged man who was married to one woman for many many years…..so he jumped into the deep end of the pool when he changed jobs in a manner of speaking regarding his ‘companions’.
Almost immediately I experienced the changes in his attitude about our faith ,….the people he worked with daily were not shy about their rejection and ridicule of our faith …so he distanced himself from the Lord AND the wife whose faith was foundational to her life and made clearly the important aspect of her life before marriage …
His turn about was dramatic and he had no problem telling me so , I was concerned about where this world lead but remained respectful …yet spoke up whenever his treatment crossed the line …maintaining my dignity and calling for him to ….kindly following the protocols of the word in HOW to do this…His love for the world and those of it usurped his care about me …so he went underground with his ‘life…; distancing and creating his own life separate from me and then our family.
Corporate life is a perfect environment for this kind of ‘cover’ for sinful choices….He was a rising star so it justified his lengthy days are work and weekend necessity to either travel or entertain his clients or office culture on the golf course or other sports opportunities others offered to HIM
He continued the use of chew which kept his mouth ‘full’ so kissing became a rare experience….He stopped shaving on weekends and evenings knowing that his very heavy beard tore up my skin …he used to shave twice a day to protect my fair and sensitive skin.
He created many ways to distance himself …it was almost as if …when he found out something that I needed or enjoyed he determined to do the opposite.
OR to engage in that activity with someone else and tell me that ‘spouses’ were not included …which I had to accept ….now I read about men who include their spouses simply because they want them or believe in the dangers of going on trips without them time and again .
There is ALWAYS a way to include or love your spouse if you have concern about protecting or continuing to nurture the love you began your marriage with ….and I knew if we BOTH followed after and sought the wisdom that was from God who made marriage we could enjoy many years together
He feared what others thought…and he desired FUN rather than all that life demands of us …any excuse to depart from work around the home was justified . I accepted a lot of the responsibilities thinking it was what I should do and could do to cause him to see I cared about his health and happiness.]
My efforts were not appreciated really ..he simply walked over me and out the door …like a teenager who manipulated his parents to allow them the freedom to do whatever they wanted. …There were times when I had the feeling I was dealing with a whining demanding teen …and I guess in truth I was …
I also was cautious NOT to behave like his MOM but in many ways his manipulations I now see were a display that he looked upon ME as the “parent ” in that he would make plans and THEN come and ASK me for permission to go ….rather than plan our lives and then when something came up he would still discuss it with me but not in a way that dismissed my life….HE KNEW I wanted to make him happy and that all he had to do was POUT and that cloud over his face would cause me to let him get his way.
So the dynamic was one of parent child….not healthy ….OR at times he would be the CONTROLLER and orchestrate situations that I had no imput or part in the decision …..
Is this MY weakness? I suppose …I entered marriage with some instruction but not as much knowledge about HOW we are to function as I am gaining now. We did not play on equal footing partially because I was taught a lot of what I knew from a ministry that continued a lot of the same dynamics that bring about some inequities in relationships ….such as learning that HEAD was assumed to mean KING” or ‘BOSS” which is how many men and women think of it ….As I have studied this it means NO SUCH THING…but it was a doctrinal perspective that served men well in the past …keeping women in a subservient role.
Man and woman are EQUAL but DIFFERENT >…and ‘HEAD:” was clarified by Jesus to mean ‘leader ‘ servant’ and ‘source of life’ …rather than Despot.
My husband was stealth in his methods of control …he was passive aggressive in most of the dynamic…and I thinking I was ‘loving ‘ and ‘respecting ‘ his position …DID confront and lovingly encourage …but fearing to be a ‘nag’ and wanting to think he was proud of how his wife was NOT a nag…I imagined him bragging to his friends that his wife was not a nag or did not complain about his recreations and times with the ‘guys’ ….no such dynamic existed… Now I see that in his family of origin he had demonstrations from his Italian grandfather of a man being ‘entitled’ and ‘served ‘ rather than being the servant lover of his wife and family.
There was arrogance formed partly from his elite university background that ‘this is just the WAY things ARE” so there was no need to seek any better way …Why would he …he had EVERYTHING going his way and if not he could manipulate others to get what he wanted easily.
He lived a ‘charmed life’ so he did not genuinely “need’ Jesus Christ or any other advice on how to succeed …he already had everything ‘figured ‘out and was getting great results FOR HIMSELF.
The idea that there is a ‘battle of the sexes’ is actually a wrong assumption ..our ‘battle’ is with self and the various environments and conditions that encourage selfishness.
When marriage is based upon truth and solid foundations of learning and being open to learn how to love ones spouse better …then there is an attitude of giving ..which accepts ideas for developing more and more ways to live caring and protecting the other.
When a wife becomes aware of a husbands disregard for her ..and lack of preference or concern to protect and grow the love and relationships as he withdraws and invests his time and concern in others and other things …her security diminishes and the husband may find this useful to gain whatever he wants in terms of controlling her life …and using her as his ‘home-base’ to go out and create the life HE wants for HIMSELF>
I have been learning all the ways I accommodated my husband fearing loss of his love ..and then realizing that he did not care about my feelings…His choices whenever he DID demonstrate inclusion was mostly for the image he wanted to give others of being a good ‘husband’ …but it became apparent it was only a show….when attending a company event which demanded he bring his wife …he would show up with me and immediately leave me on my own ..which I was able to handle having been in entertainment for years …but he would keep himself involved with others until it was time to leave…..if there was dancing which he knew I loved …he would refuse my requests ….
I used to content myself with the idea that our being “able ‘ to separate at parties and enjoy the flow of interactions was an indicator that we were solid…confident in our relationship …..wow …what desiring to be ‘good’ at marriage will bring about .
I cared about our marriage ..he used it …it is a simple reality of difference of perspective , understanding and desire …the purpose of marriage is more and more blending and transparency …From our wedding day it became a relationship of more and more distance and effort on his part to distinguish himself as independent and solitary
Ultimately I think that though marriage is a tool to develop more character and maturity some maturity and recognition of the CHANGES in identity are required for the transition from single person to married person ..Just as when one comes to Christ ..there is a transition from being one’s OWN to being under and submitting to His LORDSHIP ..
I believe that if a man or woman do not understand or care about pleasing the LORD ..whose moral compass is actually within us from the beginning …but needs to be trained or formed more solidly with encouragments to live morally ….then they will not care so much about how they treat their spouse.
In my husband’s case it seems he derived HIS image of himself by how many people thought his surface image was ‘great’ …and it seems that was determined by how much he PLEASED them and was able to meet their demands..even at the expense of his marriage and family.
Being a ‘man pleaser’ is addressed in scripture in a way that demonstrates the idea of trying to keep a leaking bucket full…it is an unending enterprise ….sooner or later they move on and a person is faced with creating their image all over again …we moved a lot which allowed him to do this …and so he has many many ‘fans’ who do not know his name now ….and our children are only known to him by way of very superficial experiences …even from family vacations where he spent a good amount of his time on long solitary walks…..probably talking on his cell with his OW …..or women …but his words were ‘the office’ .
People certainly bring a lot of baggage into marriage …staying faithful and learning to deal with those things is part of the dynamic of being ‘transparent’ in the one flesh relationship.
His past did not equip him with empathy or a desire to be open and transparent …but to perform and gather around himself people who honored his ego and self image …He found approaching life with the idea that he might need to be taught or learn about his own areas of need was rejected …
I heard this attitude from his parents …I wish I had taken heed to this important aspect that effected my husband’s attitude toward being taught anything by ANYone ..including GOD …His upbringing taught him he did not need anyone to tell him anything …HIs mother’s words to me ‘ I do not believe anyone has any right to tell anyone what to believe about GOD” …and her life proved this out ..his father too …they did not attend their church …Roman Catholic…but still believed they were righteous…
So it is …Jesus said that anyone who would follow Him would have to deny himself …take up his cross daily and follow him…..HE went to put his flesh to death on the cross…we are invited to do the same…but a marriage where one serves his own flesh and one is interested in serving the Lord and obeying as they learn and go along is going to meet at logger heads..and this too is one of the things the Lord told us …but I guess I believed the WORDS of my husband and his intitial beginnings of a wall …I did not realize that I should have waited longer to see if his walk was going to ‘take’ …It is the parable of the sower and the seed….as soon as the various ways the worlds hatred for truth hit his life he gave up….
I had to keep on with the Lord and do the best I could …and I have had to learn many MANY ways I had to be corrected in my ways of understanding the word and thinking…
SO BLuesky ..you are right about how some people learn from the various challenges in life and some are turned to manipulating …and medicating rather than taking some responsibility for their choices and outcomes and seek to further create some comfort without having to give up their sinful choices….as long as they succeed to placate their sinful desires and find others to help them they will not come to the end of themselves and they will find ways to avoid having to alter their course.
SO then it is true we need to pray for our enemies ..they have little or no strength or light to see their own need for changes ….they just go about trying to fix their pain with things that usually seem to only make things worse.