One area I only address occasionally is that of BDSM and affairs. I’ve mentioned it at times when discussing the role of punishment in marriage along with the issue of cutting.
When I have covered it in some depth it was in a special report on Shame. Although it’s a population I haven’t focused on, a recent article brought it to my attention.
The article discussed survey results from a BDSM population. The survey was done with over 4,000 people, which makes for believable results. One of the things the survey found was that 63% of those responding cheated on their spouse or partner.
If you found over 50% of a population prone to cheating, it would be concerning. The 63% number is alarming in terms of risk of an affair. It tells me that in that community, the possibility of an affair is high.
The survey went into the various reasons for cheating, which also contained some fascinating revelations. A sizeable number of those cheating identified ‘fear’ and ‘failure’ in their responses. When things like fear and failure are part of your marriage relationship, it tells me that the trust level is low.
Not only are there potential trust issues, there could also be some earlier life traumas that continue haunting them. Trauma brings issues like failure and shame with it. All of these create an atmosphere in which cheating could occur.
The survey revealed that the majority of those who cheated were also very open about it with their spouse or partner. This can be even more damaging, as it means there’s a lack of respect for the relationship and the feelings of the partner.
Marriages still need trust, regardless of what other propensities each of you may engage in. Trust creates the possibility of real closeness and intimacy. Although BDSM enthusiasts share experiences and emotionally intense episodes, those are a poor substitute for real intimacy.
The cheating statistics should serve as a reminder that trust is important, even in BDSM relationships. It’s also an indication of the need for personal counseling to deal with the issues underlying the cheating behavior. If those are dealt with, then maybe there won’t be any more affairs and openness can be restored to the relationship.
There is a semblance of trust associated with consent, yet that kind of trust has a very different foundation than real intimacy. If you want improved trust in your marriage consider downloading the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”
It could be that what passes for trust in your marriage has shifted over the years and the two of you need some more solid foundation. In the video, you’ll find the specific ingredients for building trust in your relationship.
Click and download today,
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
