The other day I received a simple “Thank you” in response to my post on “Adulterous Mothers and their effect on Children”. Although it’s been four years since it went out, the comment reminds me that the impact is real and long lasting.
It also reminded me that I need to revisit that topic again. Although its’ a sensitive one, it needs addressing.
When I was working at an in-patient psychiatric hospital it was common knowledge among the staff that the impact of mothers and fathers is powerful. Many times the problems we encountered had their roots in bad parenting choices.
When mothers made bad choices, the impact was exceptionally hard to overcome. When a mother cheats, it sends powerful messages to their child. It teaches them about how relationships work, manipulation, using communication as a weapon, and ways of meeting emotional needs.
Those lessons, whether by example or instruction shape not only the child and their value system, they impact the environment of the home.
It was not accidental that Satan targeted Eve. He knew where his actions would have the biggest impact. When you corrupt the mother, you inflict major damage on the family as a whole.
Many problems can be overcome, yet the impact of a mother having an affair has a way of planting seeds of self-doubt in the child that has them always wondering about their value. If mom finds a replacement for dad, what’s keeping them from finding a replacement for them as well?
When mom lies and manipulates in hiding her affair, she’s role modeling ways of solving problems. Sure, she may preface what she says and does, but it doesn’t change the impact of her choices on her children. It may make her feel better and lessen her guilt, but it doesn’t lessen the impact on her child.
Some moms even go so far as to create ‘secret lives’ that neither husband or children know about her affairs. They may not know the facts about what happened, yet they know that mom’s heart is not there with them. They know on some level that things aren’t right.
Bad choices always leave scars. The scar of an affair is one that can be dealt with.
With work on recreating trust and rebuilding communication, much of the damage can be fixed to where they can function once again. They won’t be perfect, but they can be workable.
It could be the damage from her affair itself or the damage from not ever having resolved the issues associated with an affair.
That healing only comes with total honesty about what happened and working as a team in rebuilding the relationships. This is where the Affair Recovery Workshop can give you the tools needed in rebuilding the communication, trust and security that was damaged by the affair.
Infidelity by either parent is damaging. Ignoring that damage will not make things go away on their own. You can have the tools you need in turning things around.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
3 Responses
Interesting. My daughter when she was 14-15 started utilizing the internet as a means of searching out attention. This was during her moms 4 year affairs where she was doing the same. Mom was on the road working every week and you could tell disassociated while at home on the weekends. I think children know and often mimic parental behaviors. Not placing all blame on mom, I could have done more. Mothers have a huge roll in influencing a child’s behaviors. Can be good or very bad!
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. Hearing of your teenage daughter using the internet for seeking attention is an unsettling reminder of the power of modeling and the times in which we live.
Moms and dad are both important in the lives of their children. Life without either one is a handicap. My experience is that when there are problems with the mother, problems show up sooner and they are very intense. I suspect that when there are problems with the father, the problems are also intense, yet show up later. I am still searching the research in that area.
Even when children seem to be adjusting to crises, they are surviving rather than thriving.
Children need both parents, as you know.
Thank you for sharing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Anonymous,
I concur. Mothers do have a huge roll. Back when I worked in a hospital setting, the staff often said, a child can recover from an absent father, but not from a bad mother. That saying has given me much to think about.