Although cheaters may want you to think that they acted on ‘impulse’, in reality, their actions are more often guided by myths they tell themselves. These myths are beliefs that they have and repeat like a mantra that allows them to do what they do.
This is why it’s important if you hope for a cheater to change to disrupt and replace these messages if you want lasting change.
As with many self-talk messages, the specifics of what they tell themselves often have a personal touch. This means if you want a specific cook book spelling out what the specific messages are, you will be disappointed. What I can tell you is the general themes of these messages they tell themselves.
Even though they may know that they are ‘lies’, they continue believing them. In many ways, they are treated like a magic spell. They continue repeating the messages in hopes that they come true.
There are some messages about how they ‘deserve’ sex. They may surround this with half-truths like “I am a man, I deserve sex” or “I am a woman, I deserve sex”. The term “deserve” is used because there is the idea that they are entitled to it. In their mind, they have a right to it. Since they are not with you, their ‘right’ still remains in effect and takes precedence over any circumstance.
They may even provoke a fight prior to having an affair. In this case, they deserve some relief from the emotional tension and the affair is the reward which they want to give themselves. When used this way, they do not feel like they cheated. They were just looking for some relief from the tensions at home.
Another variation is that “I am smarter/more attractive/more sexy than others here and I will show them by having an affair”. Here the cheater is proving a sense of value and using the affair to keep score. At the root of this message is their own insecurity, which they overcompensate for by having the affair.
A close cousin of this message is “What they don’t know won’t hurt them”. In this case, since they are ‘smarter’ than you, they think they are entitled to have sex outside of marriage. This type likes hiding games in that they are not doing wrong if you do not know about it.
To them, truth is synonymous with what is found out, not facts. In this mindset, if you never find out, the facts don’t matter. They consider themselves smart enough to ‘hide’ the facts so that they never have to deal with them.
There are other myths. It is important to address these myths if you desire lasting change. Since these myths are often interwoven into so much of their thinking, it may take a while before they are removed. First you will have to disrupt these messages, then replace them. If the messages are not changed, it is often only a matter of time until the cheater cheats again.
To see what I recommend from the cheater’s perspective, the video ‘Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” lays out step by step what you need to do from discovery through recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
This was a good thread for starters .
As you pointed out a couple of times it depends upon whether the person is WILLING and acknowledging the way their thinking has been running their lives into the ground …taking others with them.
There is an exhortation for believers that may not stike home with those who intentionally seek to break their vows …but it is true in how one may change direction of their lives by holding the Word of God with respect for it as the truth in their minds to avoid following random ideas and urges that lead to sin,
Eph 4:17 So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind,
18 being darkened in their understanding, [m]excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart;
19 and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality [n]for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.
20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way,
21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus,
22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit,
23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind,
24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.[NASB]
Another sad truth about today’s growing disdain for boundaries is the lack of maturity among several generations. Even as I recall my own generation grew up with the idea that we did not have to become ‘staid’ as our parents generation. What a terrible downtrend of our culture when the cords of morality were not just loosened but cut asunder altogether.
1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
1Co 14:20 ¶ Brethren, be not children in understanding: howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men.
I seem to recall somewhere reading about the ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ which we may observe in many today.
The propensity for my own husband’s behavior was simply his lack of thinking he had a new identity and new responsibilities as a married man.
The Bible tells HUSBANDS that they must change their priorities when married …’Leave your parents’ was something that not only husbands were to do but wives as well. I realize now looking back that many of the things my husband got away with manipulating me were a result of my own mother advising me and some ministers exhorting wives to live to please their husbands.
The way this worked out was my husband would make a decision on his own or with others …and the OW in particular .,..then come home and ‘ask’ me how I felt about it …as if I had any real choice …his happiness and future success seemed to be always on the line …so the result was more like informing me of what he wanted to do and putting the onus upon me if I declined to support it.
I did not have to observe a pout more than once to realize that our marriage was dependent upon keeping his life on the course that HE [or they] determined.
Being used in this way was unthinkable to me since I also observed how much he cared for the situations of others in his work place.
His compassion for others…along with his desire for fleshly delights for variety sake worked in his thinking to justify his choices …despite whatever cost to the rest of us .
One example of this was when he came to me [during his early time with the OW ] and informed me that he was going to transfer again and that since we did not like moving , he was ‘willing ‘ to go to the new job and just come to visit us ! I told him marriage doesn’t work that way …
So we moved multiple times to not only accommodate the work situations which were often not even the reason…but to accommodate his new ‘family’ he had to see daily.
The cost to our finances was hidden until D Day years later…but the true cost was to the way a faithful marriage vow would have developed him into a mature man , and our relationship …and his with our children …into a true and rewarding life as God would have worked in all situations.
He not only stole the lives of me and our children in truth …but he stole from himself …AND from the OW who was just as guilty of conspiring to steal from our family in all ways….not just sexually and financially but all of the time and help that we needed for him to involve himself in all that we went through …most of the time without his presence .
In allowing that his work necessitated a lot of freedom ….including time to socialize with clients and co workers WITHOUT me or our family …it seems I SHOULD have recognized what was going on …but I had my hands full with our children …marketing our homes and moving …as well as caring for my aging parents.
This man stole from all of us …and the OW did too without any intention of wanting HIM for herself in marriage.
Today we have this kind of lack of conscience and care for people ….as we observe prophesy continuing to be fulfilled regarding the closing of the age.
One of your treads spoke of what do we hope in …I hope in the Lord Jesus Christ ..I HAD trusted that the man I agreed to marry for the rest of my life took that seriously too. He proved to be too weak a character to maintain his word.
He also proved to be a very skilled and intelligent liar. I don’t wish to recount the times that he and she actually were present with my family …only a few times …I wonder how they felt ‘risking’ this …but they were very good at keeping their secret …even under my nose .
Only twice but I recall now how I felt funny in my gut …but I did not believe that my husband would stoop so low…and even the OW seemed too ‘classy’ to do such a thing ..to me …but even more so to children…I was so wrong.
Nothing ‘classy’ about either one of them ..despite their smoke screen masks.
Psa 10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.
Jhn 3:19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
The wise counsel of HOW to avoid sin and to take a righteous direction in life is not acceptable to people who are in the flesh and love it …so the above exhortation is going to fall upon deaf ears until they realize the depth of deadliness of sin and the need for the Savior.
Jhn 3:18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
Thanks for your continued commentaries …they offer much to study and think over….B>)
Zaza,
It is always good hearing from you. There have been shifts in morality regarding affairs across the generations. I suspect part of that is technology. Between treatments for STD’s, new form of abortions and birth control, there has been a shift. The assumption is made that the actions the cheater’s took can be ‘undone’ via technology. They have removed the negative consequences of infidelity.
That line of thinking is dangerous, but it also is a myth. You can not remove the consequences. You can not take the sting out of an affair. Sadly many cheaters have fallen for the myth and now they think they can reduce or remove the footprints of their wayward actions.
I suspect that one day, the technology of reprogramming the brain will be used in undoing affairs. Whether via surgery or chemically, such practices will have some dangerous consequences.
The solution is as the word of God has set forth….renewed mind in those born again
New birth for those who are still under the condemnation from the Fall
Not all will come to Christ as we see
Frankly putting anything of our body into the hands of someone ,no matter how skilled will never replace the skill and care of the Lord who laid down His life for our best interest in eternity and offers wisdom to come out of the “koolaid mentality of the best the fallen world has to offer
Good intentions don’t have as much power to overcome urges apart from loving God enough to learn what He has supplied to any who are WILLING to avail themselves of His life Giving and preserving wisdom
May more who are blinded by the deceptions that abound today become awake to His enduring good will that even His prohibitions provide