Do you have days when you feel ‘bad’? You may even excuse it by saying that everyone has a few ‘bad’ days. Even though you excuse it, telling others that you’re having a bad day or that you’re feeling bad doesn’t communicate things very well.
Last week, while at a family therapy conference, one of the participants turned to me and told me that I reminded him of the character ‘Walt’ from “Breaking Bad”. His statement startled me. I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or an insult. I hadn’t seen the show, so I wasn’t sure what to make of his comment. On elaborating what he meant, it cleared things up. His comment ended up being quite a compliment once it became clear what he meant.
He told me that he admired Walt. He saw him as a smart and caring person. So in telling me that I reminded him of ‘Walt’ it was about triggering those things in hum.
In the same way, when you feel ‘bad’, and tell others about it, the odds (which are over 80%) are that they’ll misunderstand what you are meaning. You may even think that they are a terrible listener since they don’t know what you mean. Those same odds are the ones mandated by the State of Mississippi on their gambling machines for slight payouts. In other words, the likelihood of them understanding you is like playing a Mississippi slot machine.
They may not be a bad listener at all. When your spouse has less than a 20% chance of guessing correctly what you’re feeling, it becomes a long shot gamble.
It could be that you aren’t clear in your own mind what you mean when you tell others that you feel ‘bad’. That single term spans a wide spectrum of emotional and physical states. You could be sick to your stomach, have low energy, be disoriented or even feel horny. With such a wide spectrum, it becomes the listener’s choice as to what you are experiencing.
In overcoming an affair and the trauma that goes with it, you’ll need the ability to differentiate what you are feeling along with expressing it. Otherwise, anytime someone talks to you, it becomes a guessing game as to what you are experiencing. When you don’t know what you are feeling, how is anyone else going to know what’s going on inside you?
When communication with you is a guessing game, it also becomes frustrating. Other people take their best guess, but they still don’t know if they are connecting with you or know what you’re feeling.
Imagine how much clearer it would be if you told people “When I think about the affair, I get sick to my stomach. It’s like something is stuck inside and can’t get out. I want to yell, yet at the same time I’m not afraid. While I am feeling like that, I don’t want to talk, since I may start raging.” A statement like that, makes things much clearer. It is more descriptive than “I feel bad”.
Being stuck like a broken record with the inability to express yourself beyond, “I feel bad” may be a sign that you are still in Affair Trauma. If you are, you can start unsticking yourself with the “Affair Trauma” video, which explains what is going on and start moving you past it.
So, are you still having days where you ‘feel bad?’
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Um…not being privy to what the man actually relayed to you about Walt on “Breaking Bad” I have to tell you I doubt he watched much of the series. Even the creator of the show wrote about how difficult it became to keep writing about Walt because he had become “so dark and morally questionable.”
I didn’t see it when it initially aired from 2008 through 2013 so I can’t say for sure if I would have stayed with it over five seasons. My viewing window stretched over roughly five months during which time I started questioning why I was putting forth the effort. It has to be one of the most disturbing shows I’ve ever seen and yet I continued to the end. I don’t know if I kept watching in the hope that Walt would turn his life around and revert back to his old self, but I do know that by the end, I found him to be a vile human being.
It’s more than a story of power and corruption. The creators knew they had to initially make us sympathetic to Walt’s personal struggles in order to keep us watching and they succeeded. Eventually though, it forced me to take a hard look at myself. Maybe I found out some things about myself that I didn’t like.
I would love for you to watch it. It’s definitely thought provoking and speaks to us as human beings and our own moral convictions. I looked up the definition of moral turpitude and it seems to describe what I’m trying to say.
Moral turpitude is a legal concept in the United States and some other countries that refers to “an act or behavior that gravely violates the sentiment or accepted standard of the community”.
blueskyabove,
Thank you for your comment and insights. I have not seen the series, so I can’t speak about it with any authority. The man making the comment to me expressed an admiration for Walt’s creativity and his good heartedness in wanting to provide for his family. He didn’t view Walt in a negative light of being morally compromised. I know from experience that people often read into shows and programs many of their own issues.
He reassured me that his intentions were good and he only meant the positive aspects of the character. Having not seen Walt in action, I accepted what he said at face value.
I appreciate your sharing your thoughts on Breaking Bad. After his comment, I saw three episodes. In watching them, I squirmed at the choices made and the lifestyle portrayed. There are some choices that I don’t like. Being a counselor I understand them, yet take issue with the moral reasoning behind them. I had read that the authors of the show admire immoral figures like Percy Shelly as role models. When you admire immoral figures its only a matter of time before you rationalize your own immoral actions. We often become shaped by those we put in front of ourselves as role models. Walt is definitely not the role model of a father figure that I admire.
Since I also had enough hours of literature to be a lit major, I know the power of a story in promoting self-examination. A powerful story makes us take a look at ourselves and our own convictions and choices. Breaking Bad may very well be a powerful story, yet its not a hopeful one. Already, during Walt’s moral decline, he is making small compromises along the way. This is how many affairs happen. Small moral compromises are made over time which eventually culminate in an affair of one sort or another.
Let us all encourage each other to be better versions of ourselves, rather than promoting mutual depravity.
I appreciate you pointing things out.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Thanks for your input, Jeff. I’m glad you saw a few episodes. I’m sure you noticed things happening in the show much quicker than most of us, but I still can’t explain to myself why I continued to watch it. I read a book titled “Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me)” that discussed how easy it is to get sucked into a bad situation…just one small step at a time…one seemingly innocuous choice after another. I guess if these experiences help me become a more compassionate human being then maybe that’s enough.
blueskyabove,
We do indeed get sucked into bad situations, one soft easy choice or compromise at a time.
No one is immune to that risk. The good news is that we can get unstuck and get back to where we need to be. It’s not a permanent, ‘abandon all hope’ situation. There is a way back, which is what Survive Your Partners Affair is about.
Regards,
Jeff