Trigger is more than Roy Rogers’ horse. Triggers often play a key role in affairs. You may wonder about ‘how can my spouse cheat on me when I do all the right things’.
You may find an answer to that with triggers. The term trigger is used, since these incidents or recollections often trigger acting out in the form of an affair.
What are triggers? Triggers are the associations or connections we have in our minds. The trigger is the stimuli that ‘reminds’ or brings to awareness some memory, feeling or thought.
Once the memory, thought or feeling is ‘turned on’, some spouses act on them in the form of seeking an affair. Here is a very simplified diagram.
Stimulus —> Memory —-> Response to Memory
Although cheaters want you to think that they act on the stimulus, they are misleading you and themselves. The stimulus brings up something, it is their reaction to that something that often starts them percolating toward an affair.
Triggers can be a smell, song, place, time of year, or image. If your spouse does not tell you what they are, then observe their reactions to various stimulus. When they seem to ‘zone out’ or drift off into la-la land, you are likely seeing their response to a trigger.
So you may be wondering, what can I do about this. Interventions can be done in the form of creating new memories or new responses. You will have to create a new association that is stronger than the one that is linked with the lover.
This does not mean that you have to be like the lover or compete with the lover. You just have to reprogram their responses to where ‘seeking the lover’ is not their first response.
Even if they say the affair is over, you do not want them ‘seeking the lover’ in their daydreams, dreams or fantasies. The dream lover is often a bigger pain to deal with than the real lover.
This is just one of the pieces of information I talk about in “Preventing Affair Relapse”. The video also covers urges, relapse prevention plans and danger signs. All the information you need in dealing with affair relapse in one place.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
This is an interesting point …past memories during maybe the teen years or college of ‘first love’ which has been said to leave and “imprint’ which is something like observers of new born kittens who attach to the first thing they see as ‘mom’ ….
This aspect of ‘firsts is often nothing we know about unless it is brought to mind. One reason one’s first kiss and first sexual experience is supposed to be with one’s spouse in the marriage covenant . It is then within the protection of the union that is created by the Father. Marriage is a spiritual covenant ..not something we are taught in most venues that teach about sex and love these days or in recent past …
The programming that turned young people into a ‘cast ‘ with the advent of ‘adolescence’ as a newly defined special group …brought more and more separation from godly ways of people getting together with intentions of marriage.
Dating has been said to promote a divorce attitude with many break ups leading to a shallow commitment in the marriage …added to that is the culture’s easy divorce process, many offers of ‘free love’ and other kinds of deliberate engineering of people away from the standards that strengthen people’s morals, and the societies ability to see how protective the ways of GOD are for all good for all has brought forth ignorance of the way these ‘triggers’ from first may interrupt a person at times of crisis that life brings along to everyone .
Points of stress in marriage if not anticipated as normal …the knee jerk responses can lead a person who is not aware of the need to control one’s thoughts into thinking they have a ‘need’ that is nothing more than one of those times when we have to grow and learn to deal with whatever it is .
One of the ways that people express their ‘reason’ for enjoying adultery is ‘it makes me feel young’ THAT is probably as you have pointed out one of those things a trigger of the past youth experience is replayed in the experience and feelings of adultery. New …or ‘makes me feel ‘alive’ ! This is hormonal rush and it is true people will go there just as they like to go on exciting rides at an amusement park …something that is often from their youth .
We enjoy going down memory lane …but it is supposed to be with our spouse and go to those thrills we enjoyed during courtship…As you pointed out …past loves …or someone who reminds one of them is one of those danger zones one must deal with ..not seek a replay …maybe not with the old flame but someone who reminds them of them
Throughout our marriage my husband constantly spoke with admiration of women who all looked pretty much alike….it made me jealous of his praise and admiration since I rarely heard any words of praise or admiration from him . This is actually a just jealousy I have learned since studying the Word more on this … His constant comments about other women hurt …they were actually admissions of his thinking of other women …it is a form of infidelity.
Jesus made a comment about men not looking upon a woman and lusting about her in his heart … because the imagination actually leads to a hormonal response that is natural within the design of a man and was intended for drawing the man to his wife within marriage. There are also exhortations for the man to focus upon his wife …
The warning to the man to ‘flee fornication’ and to ‘not dwell on other women in his mind ‘ are all due to the Lord’s knowledge of how he designed man even in a time when people did not know about hormones that are released at the time a man is looking upon a woman that will lead him farther in actions
“Out of the heart comes the issues of life’ …what a person dwells on enough in his thinking will eventually motivate him to act.
I could always tell when my husband was about to buy a new car …it would begin with his talking about them ….and eventually after a while he would go on and buy one…new and shiny.
It is also interesting that my husband did not enjoy looking over past photos of us …He did not enjoy OUR past or celebrate it …often our anniversaries were not special or remembered….At times I found that he might buy a card as he washed his car …telling me that they have ‘really good cards at the car wash!’ and during the adultery years he often did not do anything at all for my birthday either …
I realize that stress of daily work may take it’s toll …but in our case he did not feel working on our relationship or learning to DEAL with any issues he might have had to work THROUGH for the sake of love of me or our family were worth his time and energy .
He simply had too many good times with others…and too many offers of sexual fun .
Eventually …he acted upon those offers.
To deal with the triggers from the past ‘good times’ it takes the person themselves to do so ….the Bible calls this the process of ‘putting on the mind of Christ’ ….’renewing the mind’ ….”walking by the spirit’ which is to do what the word of GOD directs us to do .
In fact it is put this way….Gal 5:16 [This] I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.
Today’s population has a great challenge with this since many ‘triggers’ now are from video , tv , movies and even porn …The spouse has a lot of ‘competition’ to deal with …and they are being ‘compared’ to the trigger “image’ or ‘activity’ which is really random and unknown .
One can tell when one’s spouse is not ‘with ‘ them …it feels creepy to realize that you are not being loved or known but just a ‘stand in’ for the fantasy that is distracting your spouse from seeing and loving the YOU that you are.
When Adam was given Eve …from his own body ..she had NO competition …she did not have to deal with realizing her husband had any other women to compare her with …
One of the hardest things to overcome for me may not ever be possible because I realize that while I was walking or showing in my husband’s presence …now I realize why he was not interested in me…I hate to say it but I thought he might have been gay ….I kept my face and figure over these many years …it has been something that has been noted by people all my life…I look much younger than my age …so did my parents ….it is genetic I guess….
I have had to realize over the years my husband has a ‘type’ and I am only one person who is of that type. He has other kinds he is attracted to …but usually the ones he is most energetically attracted to are ‘like me’ ….
When I discovered his adultery that he had the two children with he said ‘ She is a nice woman …She is JUST LIKE YOU!”
To which I corrected him …”NO …she is NOT ‘just like me’ ” AND she is NOT ‘nice’!
The fog …but he likes the fog …
I do not think anyone will rid themselves of the responses to the triggers without effort and desire to make that effort.
He enjoys memories of those who are NOT reality …He does not seem to be able to deal with real relationships of depth …His OW is not attractive as others have seen her …but to him ..she was easier than dealing with me and our family …in a real actual relationship.
He does not want to learn how either…The OW was most interested in NOT having a real relationship either…it suited her …she likes to control and did not want marriage . She enjoyed creating crisises that kept my husband feeling essential …children were just another ploy and it worked.
I find myself wanting my husband but not feeling good about getting into sexual relations with him even though I miss it a great deal …At first it was good to get together right after D DAY …I understand many do this …but as time went by it was too emotional FOR HIM to deal with as it caused me to become very sad…That is one reason he said he left our bedroom and gave up …
This and his continued devotion to taking time with the other children that he never took with me or our children away from his work has taken a deep toll on our reconciliation.
Time will tell …triggers that people refuse to recognize and learn to deal with are very powerful in the progression from satisfaction to wishful thinking to actions taken to ‘relive’ pleasure at the expense of all are very VERY dangerous to the health of married love.
Zaza,
As usual, you have many insights. The early life programming and experiences are definitely issues that we have to work through. Those memories and associations often create strongholds that have to be dis-assembled in overcoming the adultery.
A spouse that likes staying in the fog. …I suspect that when he is in the fog, he does not have to do anything. He can be passive and inactive while not feeling guilty about it. He may also believe that it ‘hides’ him from accountability.
I agree that the other woman is not ‘Like’ you. His comment is revealing though. The spouses who have affairs with lovers that remind them of their spouse are often having an affair with an earlier or fantasized image of you. The reality is that the relationship is not ‘with you’. He is not ‘in relationship’ with you but instead with a fantasy of his image of you. It may also be one of the ways he is trying to avoid his guilt. Since in his mind there is a ‘like’ you, he could be trying to fool his conscience. It may be worth exploring.