Attending marriage and family therapist conferences for me is often an experience filled with surprises like a mystery box. There are times when I am fascinated with new findings or excited about the latest ways of approaching some problem. There are also times when I am bored to the point of dozing off during the sessions. When I am dozing off during their presentation, it leaves me wondering how many of you doze off in sessions with some of the same marriage therapists.
One of the rewarding parts of the conference is the opportunity of sharing notes and insights with other therapists and researchers. When the research comes in that raises new questions and challenges sacred cows, it often leads to new discoveries.
One insight that was reinforced was that ‘false expectations’ are a problem for couples, especially when it comes to affairs. In some of my material, I address the power of expectations in recovery from affairs. Those pesky expectations create problems, especially when they are based more on movies and pop culture than on what researchers have found.
Take for instance the subject of female orgasm. Many couples stress out expecting this to happen 80-100% of the time. That unrealistic expectation puts added pressure on your marriage. The reality is that only 26% of females orgasm every time.
Think about that for a moment. That means that it is the minority of women that do. The great majority DON’T. Although the facts paint one picture, the expectation of some couples is that if it doesn’t happen every time, something is wrong.
The unrealistic expectations are held by both you and your spouse. The two of you feel the stress-producing pressure of those expectations. Chances are, neither you nor your spouse have never stopped and seriously questioned your own unrealistic expectations.
In a similar manner, the two of you have unrealistic expectations in other areas as well. These expectations make affair recovery harder than it needs to be. Those added pressures and stresses strain your marriage relationship. They often lead to more fights and aggravating health issues in reaction to affairs.
Those unrealistic expectations, like the unnatural forces of nature will bend, twist and distort your marriage. It could be that you’ve been under those expectations for so long, you’ve gotten used to them. You may have adjusted to them, thinking “That’s what I’m supposed to do in a marriage!”
If you believe that unrealistic expectations are pressuring your marriage in unnatural ways, you need to make some changes. The next question is whether you know what needs to be changed and how to change it. If you don’t even know where to start or ways of changing how the two of you do things, you’ll want the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“.
In the video, I address unrealistic expectations and how destructive they are during recovery. They may have been a problem before the affair, yet during recovery, they often do ten times more damage.
Another problem with those unrealistic expectations is that the longer they go on, the more damage they do. Those things you put up with today may be keeping you from having the marriage you always wanted.
Best Regards,
Jeff
