Although Pete Townsend and the Who talked about ‘See me, touch me, feel me’ in their opera Tommy, when it comes to affairs, you may need to consider “is this a realistic expectation?” Can you expect the cheater or their lover to “feel” your pain? There is a part of you that wants them to feel every tormenting degree of intensity of what you feel. You may even want to hurt them in the way that they hurt you, just so that they ‘know’ what it feel like.
It is natural that when you are in pain, you want your spouse to know what you are feeling, you want what you are going through to be understood. Somewhere in your mind is the idea that if they ‘understood’, it would somehow change things. I can assure you that if you hurt them the way that they hurt you that things will change, but it may not be in the direction you wanted it.
Few people actually want to hurt. In the cases, where they do want to hurt, the hurt is more about penance and getting ‘punished’ for doing wrong. If your spouse is thinking like a child, hurting them may be perceived as ‘the punishment’. After encountering the pain, they may then feel little burden at all, they may even feel relief. The problem with hurting them is that it removes any discomfort which may have motivated them to change their ways.
It is important for them to acknowledge your hurt. They need to see the connection between what they did and what you are experiencing. They need to validate that you are hurting. That does not mean that they ‘fully understand’ or feel the hurt themselves. Remember that you need to consider your long term goal. Do you want them to hurt or do you want to heal your marriage? These two items are not the same. If your goal is to punish or hurt them, then you will need to let go of the idea of healing your marriage. If your goal is healing your marriage, you will need to let go of the determination of having them ‘feel’ your pain.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
My husband is away on a trip. He knows how important it has been for him to keep contact with me . He has a busy schedule but these days with texting even going to the bathroom or using that as an excuse should allow for a quick text….when people are in love they find any way to connect.
In this present situation he continues to use any reason for not communicating . It is hard on me but he seems to not realize the way this demonstrates what a man is willing to do to his wife to our daughters.
His continued excuses are tiring . I wish I could not care …but my life long loving and giving to my husband because of love and because of the building and sustained effort to obey the Lord in my marriage has built a connection despite his behavior
The acts of forgiving , understanding , and even informing him of all he CAN do to help heal has brought no concern for doing what is asked.
He says he is sorry and does not know what to do and that he cannot change the past but he continues to neglect the simple things I have asked him to do for my healing .
I say being ‘busy’ or having a full schedule on a business trip is no excuse ESPECIALLY when away …I don’t think he is cheating on me but his deliberate disregard is so mean . He does realize that you cannot grow your career treating people this way . It seems deliberate …passive aggressive to me.
I am sad and angry because there is no way to make any difference in his ways…He is so charming , warm and caring to people but he has so much disregard for my heart. AND even our daughters. ..he continues to try to charm them but when it comes to this type of thing ..out of sight …out of mind ..and what is it to them”? he has little understanding or desire to really be an authentic person to us …but thinks we are accepting even as I have informed him calmly what my needs are in his gain that he could have character wise if he would see these responsibilities to our marriage as good for him.
I feel as soon as he has some business deal or golf activity he forgets about all of his vows to try to make any changes in his ways.
He wants me to be there for his troubles and challenges with the children and the OW when she tries to manipulate through them …but otherwise…he is on ‘vacation’ from all of his responsibilities to me and our children relationally.
I am
Zaza,
Avoiding communicating is often the cheaters way of avoiding pain. Since they are basically selfish, it is hard for them to consider others needs ahead of their own. From the description you gave, he does not know how to love you the way you want to be loved.
He may be intentionally avoiding you, or perhaps he is being so ‘man-minded’ and focused or oblivious that he does not consider you. It will be important to look at all the possible explanations before you assume that it is intentionally aimed at you. It may feel that way, yet not be that way.