One of the lines some cheaters use in their attempts at manipulating you into swinging is telling you that “It’s not like you are cheating“.
With this statement, they give you an illusion of control. They may ‘swinging’ it sound as simple as going to a restaurant that the two of you try and if you don’t like it you do not return.
The line “It’s not like your cheating” is nothing more than a word game. When you’re kissing on another man or woman or allowing them to fondle you, or you fondling them, you are crossing the line into adultery.
Your affections are no longer limited to your spouse. At that moment, your marriage loses some of its’ special-ness.
When it’s not your spouse, it’s …Adultery.
When you are not preferring your spouse above all others, it’s….Adultery.
When you’re enjoying the forbidden fruits of another man or another woman who is married, it’s..Adultery.
They don’t belong to you.You may excuse it to yourself by saying ‘They wanted it” or “They wanted ME.”
You are not entitled to interacting with them on that level. When you participate in swinging, you become a “home wrecker”. If it’s not your home, it may be someone else’s home.
Cheaters wouldn’t get very far in persuading you if they used the approach, “Hey dear, can we go home wrecking tonight?” or using the line “When you cheat, it is not like you are destroying marriages and homes, spreading diseases and heaping guilt on top of it all”.
If they were honest, that’s what they would say, but instead, they want you to buy into the fantasy. They want you to buy into the illusion of control. They want you to believe that ‘it’s NOT cheating’.
You may even want to believe that it’s not cheating yourself. Hearing your spouse tell you it’s not cheating somehow takes away your responsibility. You feel a little less guilty, or so you think.
By giving you the illusion of control, they hope to manipulate you into the swinging scene. This subtle lie merely redefines ‘cheating’.
By redefining it as ‘sex outside of your marriage without permission, they hope to trick you into lowering your standards. For standards to work, they need to be consistent and dependable. When standards are redrawn and redefined, it put the whole relationship on unstable ground.
Redrawing and redefining standards will keep you guessing where you stand or where the relationship is at. Cheaters know this. When they can keep re-adjusting things, they can avoid being pinned down. They can avoid commitment.
When you violate moral standards, there will be effects. Those effects may come immediately or may be delayed. They will come though. Gratifying sexual relations outside of marriage will have consequences.
The cheater is trying to unlink the words cheating and swinging. When they can disassociate those two terms from each other, they begin taking the stigma away from swinging.
There are several comebacks for such a line as “It’s not like you’re cheating”. One is “Sleeping with someone else sounds like cheating to me” or “What do you mean by ‘LIKE!’ Claiming swinging is not cheating is like saying walking is not exercise”. You probably have some good ideas in your own mind how to respond to such a ploy.
If you’re struggling with the effects from swinging you may be experiencing relationship trauma. You don’t have to get drunk, take pills or medications to numb yourself out, and keep symptoms under control.
When you’ve been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back.
Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you. If that’s your situation, get your copy of the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“. The video guides you through handling the symptoms and reactions you are struggling with along with providing tools for moving past the traumas.
Best Regards,
Jeff
