Back in the 70’s I worked on my high school newspaper as the news editor. Besides editing the news items, I also did my version of the dear Abby column.
My version had it’s own twist. I titled it “Tell it to TROG“. How I came up with the name is a whole other story for another day. TROG had a whole different take on Abby-type situations.
The “Dear Abby” column has been the subject of many conversations over the years. In more recent years, the conversations about Abby’s column concerns my disagreement with her replies. I often tell my wife how different my response would be.
A recent Abby column caught my attention. The reader wrote:
“I am an attractive woman who has been married for 30 years. I think my husband has been cheating on me for most of them. Through the years I have seen the telltale signs and confronted him many times. But he continually tells me no, he would never do anything.
I have tried hard to stay with him, although I feel stupid for doing it. You see, my parents were married for 62 years, and I have two sisters and three brothers who have never been divorced or separated. So I’d feel like a failure if I left him.
I need to know for sure whether he has cheated, but I don’t know how to prove it. I have found a letter in his wallet, notes slid under my door at work and actually saw him touch another woman in a sexual manner years ago. My friends say if it walks and quacks, it is a duck.
I have asked him many times to go to counseling and he always says he will, but we never do. I no longer want to continue living with this man. There has got to be something better than always waiting for the next bomb to drop. Advice? — SUSPICIOUS IN THE SOUTH”
My take is that it’s time for confronting his “inappropriate touching” and sharing how she feels in response to it. She knows in her gut that he’s cheating, yet wants solid proof.
When all you have is gut feelings, start there. If your spouse is emotionally distant, start with that. When they are emotionally distant or touching people in inappropriate ways, it is worth bringing up.
She could start by sharing how she struggles with feeling stupid at seeing all the signs and views herself as being the foolish spouse for believing him. Those are very real concerns that are worth addressing.
Rather than dealing with her suspicions, she obsesses with ‘proving’ his affair. He likely knows this and hides evidence so that he can deny it. In his mind, no evidence means no affair.
The no evidence means no affair translates to a “hide the evidence”. Picture a cop pulling over an impaired drug addict who hid the evidence. He’s clearly inebriated, even to the point he reeks of the drugs, yet no evidence is found in his car.
The “Suspicious in the South” needs a new way of thinking. She needs a paradigm shift. When it comes to relationship issues, you need to address them as they happen. If you wait until there is ‘hard proof’, it’s too late. The earlier you intervene, the greater likelihood of recovery.
The notes being slid under her door at work should have been a wake-up call. I am curious as to what the story is behind notes being under her door at work concerning her husband.
There’s also the flashing warning sign of her spouse using the word ‘never’. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while you know the danger of when they use ‘never’ or ‘always’ and what that means.
She would benefit from the video on “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“. With it, she’d know what to bring up and what to say. Instead she goes to Abby.
When you are dealing with such situations, take action. You may not have all the facts, or ever have all the facts. When you have enough for concern, that’s the point action is needed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
PS-If you need some more intensive help. I recently had a couple of slots in my schedule open for those wanting intensives which consists of 4 one-hour sessions plus email support for one month. Email me if you’re interested in this package.
