Cheaters often play Word Games
Lies and Omissions <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to be dealing with the topic of lies and omissions.
I included this in terms of affair recovery because cheaters often play word games. One of the word games that they play is the omitting or the leaving out of key information. If you talk to them about it they’ll argue with you and say oh, I’m not lying. And technically they’re not, but they are not being honest either.
They’ll play these kind of word games and it’s frustrating. This whole thing, when they do those types of games, it is what they call brinkmanship. They literally see how close to the edge that they can get without going over. They’re operating on the assumption if something is not bad then it must be good.
But in reality, when something is not bad, that does not mean that it is automatically good. It just means it’s not bad. But these are the kind of things that you’re going to find yourself dealing with.
Another variation of this omission game is where the cheater plays well, I’ll tell you the truth if you ask the right question. That one drives me nuts, and it probably drives you nuts too.
In terms of the answer to this, I’ve got an acronym of CAP. To help you remember, put a CAP on it. Put a lid on it, if you want to put it that way, but what I’m going to present to you has a C and an A and a P.
They’re all built on the preposition of not accepting the idea that not lying equals the truth, and then not bad is good. This is a false parameter, and you’re going to have to realize that.
1.The first thing you need to do, the C, is obtain clear definitions. And by clear definitions you need to find out what they mean by the terms that they use. Because many times they will use words that will have a different meaning to you than to them. This is the whole crux of the word games.
And it’s a mistake if you assume that you know what they mean. One of the classics in this arena occurred a few years ago when President Clinton was caught up in some adulterous situations, and he got into all these big arguments over what the meaning of the word “is” is.
This is typical of cheaters because they will play these kind of word games. Many times even those little words, such as is, a lot can hinge on it. And so you’re going to need to, just because the words come out of their mouth does not mean the meaning that the cheater attaches to it is the same thing as the meaning that you attach to it.
2. Under the A, ask questions rather than make statements. When they are telling you things ask questions to find out more about what they’re saying, rather than just making statements like you’re wrong, that’s a bald-faced lie, that’s this, that’s this. No. Ask the questions. What do you mean by you slipped, or what do you mean by it was a close call. What’s close mean?
Be willing to do that. This ties in very closely with what I presented the first point on a clear definitions. But here you’re asking questions. Because questions will get you closer to what you’re looking for than making statements.
3. The third point is “P” for puzzlement. Use a puzzlement approach rather than an accusatory approach. When you are dealing with a cheater, if you have the puzzlement approach you approach it in terms of I’m a little confused. Can you explain how this could happen? And then you end up with the lover. Questions like that rather than say how dare you.
Because the first reaction when a person is dealing with an accuser is to get defensive. Remember, your main goal is to get the lines of communication open. Not to make all these wild accusations and pin them to the wall. Yes, I know dealing with lies and these word games like omissions, are frustrating. But they happen and you’re going to have to learn how to deal with it and recognize it.
Spouses who have dealt with cheaters for awhile, they know about these word games. This is one that a lot of, I hate to call y’all amateurs or rookies, but if you’ve not dealt with this before and you get caught up in it gets very frustrating because the words are coming out their mouth are what you want to hear. But it makes you feel like you’re living in a parallel universe because you realize, at some level, what it means is something totally different.
But if you go ahead and obtain clear definitions, ask questions, and use the puzzlement approach, it will be a way to reduce, if not eliminate, this type of behavior that you’re dealing with. These are things that you can start right away, as soon as the podcast is over. And I encourage you to do so.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Thank you.
