If you think the consequences of cheating are intense and painful, consider how they are magnified in a small town. In small towns, people often know each others business, including who is sleeping with who. Typically, this is one of the factors that often keeps people from cheating. Problems often arise when someone from the ‘big city’ arrives with either a lot of money or prestige. The new arrival thinks that they are smart enough, clever enough or rich enough to be irresponsible and not get caught. Although those tactics work in the big cities, when affairs occur in a small town, there are fewer places to hide, and fewer places to go on dates to. The fewer rendezvous points coupled with the talkativeness of small towns often creates a volatile atmosphere. The offended parties do know where you live, they go to the same schools, stores, post offices and churches. There is no escape from ones peccadilloes in a small town.
Recovery from such an episode is often more painful, since one has to face the issues rather than run from them. Months or years after the event, there are often people who remember what happened, which means your reputation follows you around. That in some ways is a blessing in disguise, since the parties often feel the pressure to forgive more intensely as well. The best advice is don’t do it. If you have been involved, resolve the issues as quickly as possible, since the close encounters with your neighbors will worsen if it is not dealt with.
As an added issue, I have also observed that professionals in small communities often have a more difficult time with this than other groups. The professionals often assume that because they are a professional they can get away with it. When such situations occur in a small town, the bigger the person is, the harder they fall. Reputations suffer far more in a small town than in a large metropolitan area.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
I do not normally interfere in others lives however I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. I am worried he is making a huge mistake and needs help. His name is Charlie.
He got involved in an affair and left his wife, Cheri for another woman. This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. Charlie and Cheri were so well suited for each other. Cheri adored Charlie and I thought Charlie loved Cheri as well.
Several of us have spoken about this. Charlie has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel Charlie got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave Cheri. Charlie’s best friend is the sister to the woman he left Cheri for.
Can these two wonderful people, Charlie and Cheri be helped? This breaks my heart. Carlton will face such embarrassment for what he has done. His daughter and granddaughters will face embarrassment and humiliation.
Some of Charlie’s friends will not appreciate him after this all becomes common knowledge. Cheri will not say anything at this point regarding Charlie, she will and does not speak I’ll of him. Can their marriage be saved? Please help them. I have included Carlton’s email for him to receive help. Thank you. I love this couple, I know they can get through this. And I know Charlie does not want to face the public humiliation of his actions. I know, we know he still loves Cheri. How can I help my friend and stop him from losing everything? How can we help Charlie to remember his love for Cheri and return to her? How can we help Charlie to see this affair is wrong and moving him away from his soulmate? Concerned friend.
Concerned Friend,
Thank you for writing and sharing your concern. Since your comment was in response to the post on affairs in a small town, I went ahead and changed the names of those involved. Small towns talk and the world is much smaller than most of us realize.
First, you asked, “Can their marriage be saved?” It can with some effort and changes. One of those changes is that Charlie will need to reach out for help rather than help coming to him. Another is that Cheri needs to face the issues honestly. She may think the best of him, yet she needs to be honest with herself about what he’s done and what she is feeling.
Their marriage can be saved, yet I see a key question concerns who is responsible for what. A key player in all this is Charlie’s best friend. If she attended his wedding, she’s under obligation to do what she can to save the marriage. Although people view attending a marriage as an event, I believe when you sign the guest book, you are committing yourself to help that marriage.
She is also part of the solution, especially since her sister is the AP (Affair Partner). She does have the authority to confront her sister about what’s going on.
What you can do is be a friend and show concern for what’s in his best interest AND to fulfill his wedding vows. Rather than thinking about the couple being ‘soulmates’, consider that his word is on the line with his flagrant disregard for his wedding vows.
Those were promises he made in front of his friends, family and God. Help him to see that. The promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health needs to mean something to him. He may need public humiliation in order to wake up to what he’s done in rejecting his wife and living with another woman.
I appreciate your concern. Your compassion for him comes through. Their marriage also needs prayer.
Best Regards,
Jeff