When the cheater tells you that “You are not meeting my needs!”, how do you react? In making such a proclamation, there are several things to consider before putting yourself on a guilt trip about your inadequacies as a spouse. Before you assume that you have messed up, consider some basic questions before you assume that you are at fault. First, has the cheater let you know what they need from you? It is hard to meet needs when they have not been communicated to you in a way that you understand. Sure the cheater can make the accusation, which they often do, but it loses meaning if they have not let you know what they need. If the cheater is expecting you to ‘read’ their mind and know things about them, they are operating under some unrealistic expectations. If you put yourself on a guilt trip for not reading your spouses mind, they you have fallen for their ploy.
What your spouse needs from you is something that has to be communicated in a clear manner. Needs are not an area of functioning that operates well with guesswork. Needs have to be spelled out.
Secondly, does the cheater know what they ‘need? They may know what they want, yet that is often very different than what they need. Since many couples operate under assumptions shaped by popular media, they do not know what they actually “need”. They have been so poisoned in their dependency based thinking, they accept what they ‘experts’ tell them without thinking about if that is what they actually need, and what your marriage actually needs. They accept the words of the expert without question. Since the expert says that is what they need, the cheater assumes that to be the case. Never mind that some cheaters ‘cherry-pick’ experts from Playboy or Cosmopolitan magazines or what some television talking head tells them, rather than a close friend, family member or associate who knows them and has experience with relationships so that they can sort out the context of what is going on with them. People who ‘know’ them, their background and how it compares to relationship needs are in a better position to assess their needs than those who have only read books and would not know your spouse if they met them on the street.
So before falling into the self-condemnation that comes with the accusation of “You are not meeting my needs!’ look a little deeper into their accusation and what they are actually communicating to you.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
