Just because you’ve discovered the affair, it doesn’t mean that game-time is over.
Avoiding Traps and Set-ups <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to be talking about ways of avoiding traps and set-ups.
I’ve included this because when you discover an affair, the discovery does not mean that all the game-playing is over. It’s misleading assuming that just because you finally find out about the affair that that means all the game playing is over. No no no.
Typically this is just a start. A lot of times it becomes a cat and a mouse type of game, almost like a Tom and Jerry.
What you’ll find, many times, is that the roles will switch. At times you’re chasing them, at times they’re chasing you. As this type of game playing is going on you may be being groomed for a trap or a set-up.
The trap or set-ups are not limited to just your spouse setting you up. It could be their family, it could be the lover, it could be someone else.
This is a time that you’re vulnerable and you’re running a risk of being caught in a trap yourself. Because you’re going around being driven by emotion, people know that, and there are some people, as unscrupulous as it sounds, seek using that situation in setting you up. For whatever reason.
Typically, once you’re in a trap, they exploit you somehow.
The solution is to learn to detect and avoid traps and set-ups.
1. Avoid excessive alcohol and drug use. Bottom line, you need to be sober. And as you’re dealing with an affair I know the pain is there. And I know alcohol and drugs are a quick way to get you out of the pain. You want to avoid going down that road.
Yes, it can get you out of the pain. But it also makes you much much more vulnerable to any kind of set-up or trap. Because they know that once you get drunk a lot of emotions are going to be driving your actions.
It’s almost like your brain jumps into the backseat of driving your decisions and your emotions suddenly take over the steering wheel.
2. This is an old saying that some of you may have heard before, but it is very true in this case. It’s called there is no such thing as a free lunch. Some people use the abbreviation for that, TINSTAAFL.
Typically when there’s a free lunch or a freebie of some sort, these types of things are bait. Some people may suddenly act like they’re your best friend.
They may suddenly be hanging around your house once they find out about the affair. When they’re doing this and they’re wanting to do all these things for you, in some cases their concern is legitimate.
This is where you’re going to have to be careful because there’s no such thing as a free lunch. If they’re doing it, offering all sorts of services, cooking meals for you and doing stuff like that, you may be getting set up. And you need to be aware of that.
Bear in mind, like in a court room, if you have the cheater who’s under scrutiny, one of the ways that they can take pressure off of themselves is to prove that their spouse was also cheating. So there may be times that they try to set you up just with the appearance of cheating, so that they don’t look so bad.
3. Trust your gut. I know I’ve mentioned trusting your gut before. I cannot over emphasize that.
What happens, traps and set-ups are designed to deceive and to keep you from seeing the true purpose behind it. Your gut, many times, picks up on things.
Because when you’re in a state of just reacting to what’s going on around you, you’re paying attention to what you see and what you hear.
Many times they’ll use that against you to deceive, to distract you. Or to hide your awareness from the real action that’s going on.
This is one reason why you need to trust your gut. Because when you step into a situation and say this doesn’t feel right, listen to it. Don’t ignore it.
Especially during this time because whereas before the affair you could trust your spouse to give you guidance and direction, now with the affair it’s a time that you still need guidance and direction, yet your main source is no longer there. So you’re going to have to learn to trust your gut and get some good guidance and direction.
Otherwise you could find yourself getting set up into many traps.
These are some things that you can go ahead and put into place today. And I encourage you to do so. It will help you through your affair recovery. Which is what I want to help you with, to get you through this dark time in your life.
At the support community located at Restored Lifestyle, you’ll find more support and help. Others who have gone through what you’re experiencing gather and share along with having access to resources you need in recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving day together….we always have something to be grateful for ! The Lord is merciful and always at work on behalf of His.
Zaza,
We wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving as well. Your faithfulness is inspiring as you face a tough situation. I wish your husband could see what a gem you are. I am thankful for your testimony and encouragement. I hope that Thanksgiving has some special blessings for you and your family.
Thank you Jeff ….I is nice to hear that someone appreciates what I am making an effort to do …although I feel sometimes my faith is shrinking ! I realize that give me space to increase!
Today I texted my husband to ask him again to join us for dinner. He texted our daughters who did not reply , one saying ‘if he wants to talk with me he knows where to find me ‘ …you know she is right. His doing a disappearing act and then trying to ‘connect’ this way with his daughters is offensive to them. He is being deliberate in his setting me aside. This is wrong and our daughters know it . His treatment of me DOES effect his relationship with his children…turns out God is right …a husband’s loving his wife is one important way his children learn to love and feel secure …it is hard to respect a man who refuses to do so or neglects his wife and their mom altogether .
My son ,lives in another state and called his dad …I had not talked with him or asked him to call his dad and he was told his dad would call him later …by dinner time there had been no call when my son called me to wish us a happy Thanksgiving and learned of his father’s treatment. My son is a newly wed and I did not want him to have this issue on his mind …he needs to tend to HIS wife ..not worry over his mom and sisters.
This is such a selfish self centered act of my husband …he simply deliberately has chosen to upset as many of those who he claims he loves as possible…choosing this holiday is really a kicker. He said that he looked at the calendar and that there was never going to be a ‘good ‘ time to do this![Maybe that is just why the calendar includes so many special days that families are bonded through ….]
We perpared the usual special dishes with hopes he would change his mind and come by …but no word …no response….nothing …he has even left many of his clothes for the cold weather here and it is getting colder…..I have to say it is difficult to be angry, sad and worried all at the same time and for a believer I am also disappointed that I have so little faith in the face of what I do believe is a spiritual attack …maybe tired of having to deal with it for so many years.
His aunt and cousin emailed…another awkward situation because his family know NOTHING about his life long behavior and I did not want to be the one to ‘out ‘ him ….hoping he would step up …he simply does nothing to help himself . He looks like he is full of self pity and self loathing …and noone can offer him any kind of counsel that he is willing to heed.
Sorry to unload here but I have felt this was one of the most unloving things he could do to our children ….never mind me . Thank you for your expressions of care and support…I appreciate the time you take with me and others here.