The lover is often relegated to the sidelines. If you are the lover, your feelings are often dismissed by your paramour’s spouse as unimportant, while the paramour often feels torn between your feelings and their spouse’s.
You may find the roles often switching from being the tough one, being the one that rescues your paramour when everyone else ignores them, and at times you are the one the ultimate evil force in the universe. The switching of these roles happens often and happens quickly. If you find yourself feeling confused as everything that is going on, there is a good reason for that. The reason for the confusion is that the ground rules continue changing. The instability of the relationship impacts everyone it touches.
I understand how the paramour led you on to believe something was true when it wasn’t. I understand how you were promised things, that will not be delivered. You dislike being cheated out of things as much as anyone. The spouse is not the only person who was ‘cheated’ in the affair. You were cheated as well. You fell for the lies, the stories, and the fantasies painted by the paramour (cheater).
When reality hits and the worlds come crashing down, there is also the crashing of your emotions. In all honesty, the paramour may not have been honest about their marital status or their level of commitment to the marriage. They were probably honest in their description of their marriage and how it was in bad shape. They played with your heart in leading you to believe something that was not to be. You were a source of hope, and now you are seen as the curse upon the marriage.
It is hard to tell yourself the truth, but you must. Here are some helps in coming to grips with the realities of the situation:
1. Tell yourself the truth. Not what you hope for, believe in or wish for, you need to tell yourself the truth.
2. Look at what the paramour does, NOT what they say. They may be promising the world, so you need to look at what they have actually done.
3. Don’t beg! Begging starts a relationship off on the basis of inequality. Begging sets up power struggles and power games, which is a poor substitute for love.
4. Insist on honesty with yourself and with the paramour.
5. Set clear boundaries and do not compromise on them.
These actions will help you through the trauma of an affair. Affairs hurt everyone they touch. Everyone ends up loosing, including you.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
She KNEW he was married when she approached him. A stranger and made a ‘deal’ that she was willing to be the mistress. Then she wanted children and she made the ‘deal’ to become a ‘single mom’ .That was HER choice in these days of ‘reproductive rights’ …BUT she is not even being honest with THAT choice’ She has been a parasite and a drain on our family .
She should take responsibility for her OWN destructive coniving CHOICE to be a single mom and be an adulteress even though she had a very good income…Higher than many two income families. She is a CON artist .
All marriages have ‘seasons’ and she caught my husband at a low point. He told her from the beginning that he would NEVER leave his wife and children …
She made her choices based upon that and worked my husband’s guilt to her advantage.
I say she had this in mind all along.
It has been very painful for all of us .
She deserves whatever damage she gets for this kind of irresponsibility in terms of what her choices have done to all …including the children she ‘had to have ‘ ….
Selfish con artist.
Courtney,
Thank you for your comments. Your situation is tragic, and gut wrenching. Sadly, there are many con artists who prey upon married people. I know in some cases, the lover is hurting as well, yet in cases like the one you faced, it was a planned EVIL. The situation you describe was more akin to a predator looking for innocent prey and then springing a trap on them. There are many calculating predators out there. I wish they did not exist. Sadly, they do and in greater numbers than I would like. At one workshop I attended, the speaker said that the seducer is EVIL. I initially thought that was too strong, until I encountered many situations that validated their statement.
I know with affairs, one size does not fit all, neither does one description fill all the possible events that can unfold. Using people like the lover (if you can call her that) did in your case is ….( I am at a loss for words. My gut is twisted in just trying to imagine it).
I know that not all the lovers are like the user in your case. I can only imagine the pain it brings. My post was intended to help the lovers who want to start coming to grips with their lives and what has happened. In your case, it sounds like the lover is too far into the user (predator) mentality to want to change her ways.
I thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage.