When I hear “he doesn’t want to talk about the affair”, I feel for you, especially when you have tried talking to your spouse over a period of weeks or months. It is heart-wrenching when you are shut out and ignored at the mention of their cheating.
The sad reality is that some cheaters prefer the cheating to facing reality. They prefer the pain of the cheating rather than face some other painful issue in their lives. As painful and destructive as cheating is, they often view it as the ‘lesser of two evils”.
Cheaters who avoid discussing the issues of the affair with you have a reason for doing so. Hammering away at them with “why, Why, WHY” has not gotten you anywhere and it likely won’t get you anywhere.
The question to consider is not ‘Why?’, but rather…”What is the payoff?” Look at what the affair ‘fixes’ or keeps them from facing in their lives. Assuming that you are not dealing with an addictive pattern, there will be some logic behind their choices. The affair is their attempt to ‘fix’ or ‘avoid’ something.
Once you see the ‘payoff’ then the answers become clearer. Affairs for them are a convenient distraction. It is a way to avoid facing something more dreadful. Whether or not what they dread is ‘as bad as they assume’, the reality of their fear is real to them.
I am not saying that their affair should be excused, or condoned. I am saying that if you want to get closer to them, you will have to understand their reality, and what they viewed as their choices. You may not agree with their choices. Their choice may have been a poor one.
Not talking about the affair is a sure way to keep the tension in the marriage. If you want to make sense of such situations, be ready to examine ‘who or what benefits from the tension?’ as ugly as it may be.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
I think I have one of these situations. She doesnt want to talk to me, only to the OP. She admits to closing me out/isolating me from her. She says: I dont want to work on the marriage, you need to focus on the kids/your work. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I dont want to stop. I gave up on you 5 years ago when you didnt plan my 40th birthday party. I am dissapointed in you as a father. I had my wedding reception is a “basement” (we did). She resnts her mother for not leaving her father when he had an affair that “everyone knew about” She was trapped.
So, instead of asking why, which she cant or will not answer, there is a deeper cause here I think. What is the payoff for this behavior? What do you hope to get from this relationship? How does your history color your thinking in respect to what is going on today?What feelings are involved in this relationship:? When you picture the future, your future, what do you see? If you could wave a majic wand and change three things what would they be and why? Do you sense or feel safe-being able to discuss your inner most darkest places with me? Do you ever feel that if you were to tell me your deepest darkest secrets/hopes/ dreams that you would recieve back ridicule or rejection? In your heart of hearts what do YOU need, and be specific as you can.
Maybe i will try some of these. Any input?