First off, do you want to get rid of your anger? If you do, then great, we will be dealing with that. If you are not ready or willing to get rid of your anger, you may want to come back to this post later. There is a time to hang on to the anger and a time to let go of the anger. If you are ready to let go, then read on…
What are you angry about? The easy answer is going to be…your spouse’s affair. Although that is the easy answer, is it the honest one?
Is it that they cheated? that they hid it? that they lied about it? who it was with? that they were with someone else? I know that drilling further down into your pain is not easy. It is important to do if you are serious about wanting to deal with your anger.
Identifying what triggered the anger is important. Since anger is most frequently a secondary emotion, it is essential to identify the primary emotion (or the triggering emotion) that ‘turned on’ the anger. That is the emotion that you are having trouble with, NOT the anger.
Did I just say that anger is not the emotion that you are having trouble with? YES. You are using anger as a way to deal with that emotion. That emotion is what your are having trouble dealing with. Whether it is sadness, loss, fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal or something else. The feeling that you initially experienced is the emotion you need to work on. Anger is an emotional reaction that ‘protects’ us from other feelings. Although it protects us, it also can hurt those around us.
Doing something to stop the problem at its root is always the preferred way to deal with it. Pull the weeds out by the roots, or else they will come back again with the next rain. Likewise, pull the source of the anger out, and it will lessen the possibility of it coming back again.
I will be dealing with more about anger along with other essential areas in my upcoming webinar series. The material will transform your marriage in the five weeks it takes place, starting September 2nd. You can register for it here. [Seminar Link] If you are wanting your marriage changed but don’t know where to start, this seminar is for you.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
