Cheaters play games. Whether they are in the cheater’s head or with you, games are going on. The games share two things – shifting blame and shutting down emotions. The games may have different moves and play out in various level of drama, but they still share shifting blame and shutting down emotions. So when the cheater starts gaming you, what can you do?
Dealing with Cheater Games <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you joined me for today’s show. In today’s show we’re going to be focused on dealing with cheater games.
As you know, cheaters play games. Whether they are in the cheater’s head or with you, there’s games going on. These games, the whole purpose of games is that it gives them something to hide behind, it distorts things. It short-circuit’s what should be going on.
The games that cheaters play share two things. It shifts blame and it shuts down emotions. They may be playing different variations, but these are essentially the two big payoffs. The games may have different moves and play out at different levels of drama. And by the different levels of drama I mean some of them are delivered very straightforwardly and sometimes they are delivered in a high drama situation with a lot of emotions, a lot of screaming, a lot of whoop-dee-doo.
Whether or not it’s low drama or high drama, it’s still a game. And there’s still shifting blame. And what they are doing is still shutting down emotions. When they start gaming you, what can you do? That’s what we’re going to be dealing with today.
The answer, as simple as it sounds, either don’t play or quit playing. Because when you continue playing with the cheater, playing their game, it only leads to more gaming. The more you play their game, the more games they’re going to play. And that goes back to the whole purpose, because what their whole purpose is is shifting blame and shutting down emotions. They play the game, after it works once they’re going to keep doing it again. Because that’s all in their best interest.
Ways that you can quit playing, or not play, we’re going to go over those.
1. Accept silence as your friend. Many times you’ll find yourself getting caught up in a game because you don’t keep silent. Games often create or trigger noise, and they will say things to generate more noise. Part of that is trying to get reactions out of you and responses.
Which means, when you want to sit down with the cheater and really seriously talk and not get caught up in the games, you’re going to have to wait for responses, you’re going to have to turn off the radio, and allow emotions to be felt.
Because if they can distract you by turning up the radio, turning up the TV, have a noisy environment, that way they don’t have to focus on what you’re saying. They can ignore you and have an excuse.
So if you’re going to sit down and really seriously talk to them, shut down all the noise. When you ask them questions, wait for them to respond. Don’t just jump in there and fill in the blank with what you think happened. Wait. Wait for it.
Because many times that silence is actually your friend. Even though it creates tension. Because it’s only when we are silent that we start to feel. Accept silence as your friend.
Now, I am not saying that this is permission for you to give them the silent treatment, to refuse to talk to them at all. No, that’s not what I’m saying. What I am saying, when you’re talking to them, be willing to be silent and wait for their response.
2. Think before you speak. Games thrive on an act-react cycle. When you think and take time to think, it slows that down. A lot of games, they depend on the action going down. Getting more action, getting more stuff going fast. In real communication, you’re going to need to slow things down.
Because that fast-acting stuff will have you making mistakes and saying things that you didn’t mean to say, or them saying things that they didn’t mean to say. It keeps the game going.
3.Reject the lies without reacting.
Now, this one I see a lot of people get tripped up on because a lot of times when the cheater says something that you know they’re lying, part of you wants to jump in their face and say you’re lying. Don’t do that right away. There’s a time and a place, but you’re going to have to resist that reaction. Choose not to blame, not to allow the blame, in your head.
Because many times they will say things knowing that you will react that way, and what that was all about was distracting you. Getting you off track from what’s really important. Because then you can get into this argument about whether or not you were lying, or whether or not you intended to lie. They’ll talk about how controlling you are and stuff like that. And that takes you from what you were actually after in the first place.
That’s why you don’t want to react so fast. And when that’s going on it’s actually a game anyway, because many times they’re not listening to you when you give them that kind of confrontation.
These tools that I gave you today, they will get you started. And there will be other games that you may have to use some more sophisticated things, but these will get you started. Accept silence as your friend, think before you speak, and reject the lies without reacting.
That will get you started. It will get communication started rolling so that you don’t get so caught up with the cheater games.
Because here at Affair Recovery Radio, my goal is to help you through the affair one step at a time. The steps that I gave you today, you can put into practice right away. You can take them and use them as soon as you finish listening to the show.
I encourage you to tune in to more episodes of the show. Feel free to give your feedback and your comments, share your positive comments wherever you listen to the radio show. Or I post the transcripts up at www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com and you can read them there, leave your comments there. Or you can send me email to Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com.
I look forward to your comments and your questions because the very questions you have may be what other people are struggling with as well. The answer may bring healing not only to your marriage, but to others as well, around the globe. They just may not have the courage to speak out and to ask what you are daring to ask.
So until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Goodbye.
