I hate computer problems, water heater problems during the winter, and automobile problems. Gadgets and tools are easier to mess up than they are to fix. Although I expect them to work perfectly, they don’t always live up to my expectations.
In a similar way, it’s easier to damage relationships than it is to fix them. I was reminded of this on reading a blog post where a reader stated, “I was in a short emotional affair that never became physical. I am looking for ways I can rebuild the trust between my spouse and me.”
I wanted to use his comment to make a few points that will help you in these areas.
First, having an emotional affair with anyone other than your spouse is bad news. Emotional affairs, whether they become physical or not always damage your marriage. You may feel that all you did was allow yourself to become emotionally aroused and dismiss the possibility of any damage since you didn’t do anything physical. Make not mistake, emotional affairs damage marriages in ways you may not realize.
The damage may be fixable, but there’s still damage. The longer the affair, the greater the damage done. There is damage done to trust, alienation of affection, stealing attention that rightfully belongs to your spouse and other effects.
Second, rebuilding trust isn’t easy. It’s going to take work and even then it may never be the same as it was before. You have to start with an honest conversation where both people can express their feelings in a safe environment.
You also need to be willing to forgive and accept that the relationship has been hurt by your selfish indulging in chasing after emotional highs.
Third, qualifying the affair by stating it was short or ‘not physical’ doesn’t help much. This only minimizes the affair in the eyes of your spouse. In other words, it communicates that the affair was no big deal. When it comes time for cleaning up, what matters is the pain your spouse felt, not how long the affair was or how it was non-physical.
The writer realizes that their marriage was damaged and that trust needs to be restored. That shows some insights. That gives me hope for them.
Trust can be rebuilt. The problem most couples run into is that they only rebuild portions of their relationship. The assumption is that with some improved communication, all will be well.
Improving communication helps, but, more than that is needed. There are four other vital ingredients to successfully rebuilding trust. If those items are missing, they’ll think they have trust when in reality each of you remains uneasy and leery of it happening again.
In the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?”, I share the trust formula with you with all the necessary ingredients. Yes, there really is a formula for trust.
Rather than leaving out important pieces, you can instead know what your relationship specifically needs. Rather than throwing away a perfectly good marriage, consider taking steps to repair the broken trust in it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
