When your spouse cheats, one of the early questions is whether or not there is something wrong with them. You wonder what would motivate them to seek an extra-marital relationship?
You also wonder if anything is wrong with you. There are many tough questions that you’ll find yourself considering.
Today, we’ll focus on whether or not something is wrong with them. The post does not address every possible situation. I will cover some of the major ones and give you some things to consider in your search for “What is wrong with them?”
Cheating is not a mental illness, although there may be chemical imbalances involved. Cheating is also one of the ways many mental illnesses are acted out. The connection is not clear and direct enough to say cheating is a mental illness.
When the cheater opts for the extra-marital option, they are often engaging in poor impulse control. The ability to control impulses is often related to the amount of drugs or alcohol consumed.
The drugs and or alcohol lowers their inhibitions. The more drugs or alcohol, the higher the risk for low impulse control. So you will have to consider the role of drugs and or alcohol.
You have to consider whether or not someone drugged them or exploited them in that state. When cheating is related to drugs or alcohol, you can say there there is a chemical imbalance, although it would be related to the intoxicating substance type of chemical. So the first type of chemical imbalance to consider is that of drugs or alcohol.
The second type of chemical imbalance is when the cheater seeking stimulation. They either feel like something is missing or they just need the stimulation of the affair to feel ‘alive’.
In such cases, there may be a neuro-chemical low and they are using the added adrenalin rush that comes with the affair to overcome the imbalance of the chemical low. They want the ‘feel good’ chemical rush associated with the affair. These only feel alive when they are experiencing the rush associated with the chemicals released related to the affair.
In some cases of brain trauma, spouses who never considered cheating before may suddenly change. It is not about a rejection of you, the chemicals in their brain have been shaken up and rearranged. The power of brain chemicals is often misunderstood. They are very powerful forces in our lives.
The third type of chemical imbalance concerns impulse control, although in a different manner. This type of cheater just does not think or process information well. They have problems thinking through their choices.
They consider only their immediate needs and ways of meeting those needs. If an affair will meet their immediate needs, they act on impulse and jump in without thinking through the situation.
With this type of impulse control problem, the brain is not processing the situation and the options to consider. They are not thinking through the risks or seeing the potential dangers. It is not a matter of the lower inhibitions like with the alcohol or drugs, it is a matter of poor attention-related issues.
Not all cheaters have chemical imbalances. Some do it out of habit. When they either come from a family of cheaters or have a long history of sleeping around, they continue their patterns of behavior out of habit.
In such cases, it is not chemical imbalance, but rather, that is what they are used to. The cheating is part of their nature. They do it without moral reservations.
Some make spiritual choices choices to cheat. They know what they are doing is wrong, yet choose to do so anyway. For them, it is not about emotions, or thinking. They make a conscious choice to intentionally step outside of the bounds of marriage.
In such cases, they are entering the cheating like a person on a mission. They are determined to cheat. It is not about the stimulation, or poor impulse control, or poor thinking, or habit, or passion or bad circumstances, they are just determined to cheat.
The cheating is their solution to fix something wrong in their lives. The cheating was the wrong choice. You need to understand what they were trying to fix.
The saying in counseling is “The problem is not the problem, the problem is the solution”. In the case of cheaters, they chose cheating as a solution. If you want to know what is wrong, you need to look at not only their solution, but also what it is the solution for.
Best Regards,
Jeff
