A few weeks ago, I was asked ‘Whether or not swinging should be considered a cult’. I found it an insightful and provacative question.
Given that many swingers communities are secretive, using special terms and a language along with control systems of drugs, alcohol or intimidation, they have similarities with secretive cults.
Typically, when you encounter a secretive group filled with passwords and a ‘special language’, they’re creating their own culture. They have special places where they meet, where potential people are screened prior to admission.
The secretiveness adds to the excitement, yet also signals that something is going on that does not fit in mainstream culture. The members look like everyday people and some are even ‘beautiful people’.
The secretiveness adds a sense of exclusivity or being ‘special’ for those involved.
Like all traps, the beautiful people are often paraded as a way to entice or lure you into their ‘culture’. It amounts to bait being danced in front of a fish. This lure amounts to saying “you can have some of this, if you join us’.
There’s often an element of ‘dress up’ which adds to the excitement. The swingers can dress up and act like someone else. It amounts to putting on another identity.
The use of control systems, be they through alcohol, drugs, blackmail, secrets or intimidation are clear indications that you’re not free to enter into and leave their group. If there were no strings attached, you should be able to leave the group as easily as you leave a game of dominoes or cards.
With dominoes and cards, there’s no blackmail, no secrets, no intimidation. There is no shame in playing dominoes. You don’t have to hide your dominoes score from your kids.
That ought to tell you something. Swinging is not the innocent, no strings attached ‘fun time’ it is portrayed to be.
If what was going on was truly innocent fun, then why would you have to resort to the use of control systems? Further, how can you ‘be yourself’, when you are filled with drugs or alcohol?
If it were truly innocent, then when they threaten to show films or photos of you ‘having fun’, there would be no shame, guilt or intimidation. If they had photos of you playing dominoes, you wouldn’t be ashamed.
So, in answer to the question, “Is swinging a cult?” The organized swingers groups share many properties in common with cults, with the secretiveness, special language/words, and use of control systems. Since not all swingers use those methods, you can not paint them all with the same brush.
The organized groups have many cult-like qualities, while other swingers operate differently.
The best way to keep your marriage strong is to avoid all infidelity, including swinging. The other thing I can tell you is that if there are secrets, a special language with code words and control systems, you are likely dealing with a cult-like group, whether it be swingers, in churches, in community associations, etc. When it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, you are likely dealing with a duck.
If you are caught up in one, there’s a risk of relationship trauma. Being in and out of relationships takes its toll. If you want help, the video “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers” will help.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Years ago I watched a Tom Cruise movie called Eyes Wide Shut. It was quite disturbing as it portrayed the cult like description that you’ve written here in this post. I’m wondering if you’ve seen this movie and if you’ve based your assumptions of the swinger experience on this movie.
You and others have painted such a horrendous picture of a “swinger” and vilified this group of people that it forces us to become more secretive about it. I speak from experience, your description of the lifestyle herein is inaccurate. You are correct when you say swingers are everyday people. Swingers clubs are full of doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, technicians, engineers, writers, contractors, military, church goers, etc I’m sure you get my point. We are your neighbors, coworkers, and your friends. Most are married couples that like to experience sexual fantasies together. Most are not addicted to drugs, and no one has to be screened prior to entering, and I’ve never heard of passwords to participate. Non-swinging clubs in every city provide opportunities for singles to drink, dance, and possibly hookup. Swingers clubs is a place where couples go to drink, dance, and possibly hookup. We are a sexualized culture no matter your marital status. Of course there are rules to follow in the lifestyle. Rules of respect are set forth by the clubs, but the most important rules to follow are the rules that each spouse sets for the couple. To be a happy swinger it’s imperative that the wants and needs of your spouse be met with total respect. No means no always,with no questions or explanations required. No swinger is stuck in the lifestyle. If you don’t want to go to a club, then don’t go.
I understand the lifestyle is not for everyone, and that’s ok. We respect your decision to abstain.
Carly,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I have seen the movie ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and it is quite disturbing. I recognize that not all swingers are like that. Since many are everyday people, the swingers lifestyle covers a wide area. The ‘lifestyle’ ranges from those who wish to experiment and use it for recreation with like-minded couples, to some which are highly organized groups. In writing the post, my focus was on the highly organized groups, since when a person experiments with the lifestyle, they may find themselves getting deeper into it than they planned and that leaving the ‘lifestyle’ may not be as simple as ‘just saying NO’.
Not all the organized groups have rituals such as seen in Eyes Wide Shut. Many do not. Although they do not have the rituals, many other elements such as secretiveness, control, the use of a special language, etc. are used. In having worked with people who have been in the ‘lifestyle’, I am aware of the workings and the potential dangers. In sharing the post, it is my intention to provide hope and give warning. The lifestyle is often portrayed as innocent adult recreation, yet once people are in it, they feel trapped, and are not sure of how they can leave it or if they can leave it.
It is my intention to help people strengthen their marriages. Since swinging weakens the bonding that occurs in marriage, I try to warn the unsuspecting of the dangers, and give hope to those who want to escape.